GOING PUBLIC/STAYING PRIVATE

Relaxing at Lake Pleasant

People have asked me how many readers read this blog. How many hits do you get, they wonder. Once I looked it up, only for the life of me I can’t remember what it said. After that I decided I didn’t really want to know, I want to write, pure and simple, and I worried that if I start worrying about what people like or don’t like, what they want more of or not, it’ll get too complicated.

I think I got what I wished for, in spades. We’ve had big tech issues with the blog so that those who subscribe to it directly aren’t getting it, it can only be accessed through Facebook or on my website. I’d hoped it would be resolved by now, the redoubtable Silvana has tried to export a big list of names into WordPress, only to find that WordPress has locked up the subscription tool, so everyone is consulting with each other in an effort to work things out.

And me? I get to write to an emptier universe than usual, remembering the existential question: If there’s no one in the forest to hear a tree fall, did it fall or not? But fallen trees don’t need human validation, they make a big difference to all the neighboring critters and flora, they have for millions of years.

And if my blog falls? I think of writers I’ve known who decided not to seek publication but rather write (or paint, or photograph) for its own sake. I think of the many people who do origami, the Japanese paper-folding art, either giving away their creations or keeping them private.

Not everything needs to go public. Some things do, like the back-to-school supplies list I’d like to put up to help children from poor immigrant families get what they need for school opening in September. I’ve always bugged Jimena to get me that list earlier, and this time, when she has and I have it all organized, I can’t post it till the subscription is restored.

Going public/staying private. A lifelong push-and-pull for this writer who yearned in her early years to bury herself in books and writing her entire life, a female Philip Roth, only to find life going in very different directions.

I’m thinking about what Simone de Beauvoir said: “One’s life has value so long as one attributes value to the life of others, by means of love, friendship, indignation, compassion.” But is that what gives life its value? It makes us awfully reliant on others, on relationships, on interactions, on keeping that social web around us going however we can.

I think of Bernie after his stroke, when he spoke with difficulty, often slurring his words, when his hearing was bad (unless someone put his hearing aids in for him), when he could no longer rely on constant travel, meetings, and phone calls. Our own dinners were often cut short when he’d look at me, smile, and softly say: “I’m tired, I have to go upstairs,” and slowly he’d make his way up and into bed. Did his life no longer have value?

Instead, I think of the poet Maya Angelou’s answer to Bill Moyers when he asked her once: “Do you belong to anyone?”

She answered: “More and more I belong to myself.” And then she added: “I like Maya very much.”

Wow, I thought upon reading this, what does it mean to belong to yourself? And what does it mean to like yourself very much?

I think of Zen practice as a way of belonging to myself. Not the constructed Eve who walks the dogs, visits a grieving friend, teaches this or that, writes a blog (that right now very few access), talks to her family, reads, studies, and sits, not that one at all. That’s the one who relies on her interactions with others to feel alive, to feel that that constructed image is real, is actually who she is.

Daily meditation has taught me that that is not the case. That this person, constantly changing in response to an interactive world, can’t be locked up in any of those stories or social constructs. Impermanent as she is, she is absolutely herself and belongs to no one else. There’s no reason to look out there for definition or validation (unless I’m looking for stories, which in certain circumstances is a valuable thing to do, not in others).

But can I say that I like Eve very much? Not yet. Yes, I can look over my life and think: Not bad, kid. Did a lot, loved a lot, had fun, lived a life you never dreamed of. Only I don’t believe that liking myself depends on that. Maybe it depends on feeling no lack in me.

I’m reminded of how the doorbell rang one day, the dogs going crazy. I open the door to a shy young woman standing on the steps. She extends a brochure towards me, saying: “I’m here to invite you to a memorial service.”

“A memorial for whom?” I ask.

“A memorial for Jesus Christ. He died for all our sins,” she says.

I look down. The brochure is from Jehovah’s Witnesses. “I admire Jesus,” I tell her, “but I don’t see myself as a sinful person.”

“Still,” she says, “the least you could do is come to his memorial.”

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You can also send a check to: Eve Marko, POB 174, Montague, MA 01351. Please write on the memo line whether this is in support or immigrant families or of my blog. Thank you.

BIGGER HORIZONS, LESS FEAR

Here’s how I get up in the morning:

The windows are open, but the horizons are closed. My mind wakes up slowly. That’s considered a plus for meditation. Recommendations are to sit early, before the usual definitions and thought patterns settle in. I haven’t seen that work for me; for most of my life I have woken up right into a very narrow perspective.

Why narrow? Because, one way or another, it’s all about me: Morning. Nice or not nice? What day is it? What am I doing today? What’s going to happen? That last question especially brings up ancient fears and anxieties that, rather than expiring, always seem to find new clothes in which to dress up. The ancient concern that has gnawed deeply inside me is some version of: Who the hell am I? In new clothes, it appears as: What happens to a single older woman like me? What happens if I get sick and can’t take care of myself? What happens if creativity dies and I never write another blog post, another book, another poem? This last one scares the hell out of me.

As I write this, I realize that almost the only time fear or anxiety comes up is when my horizons are small, focused on me. That self-enclosed, self-obsessed world is a breeding ground for anxiety. And why not, given how narrow it feels? I can practically feel the constriction, as if someone put a headband around my consciousness and pulled it tight, wagging a finger in front and warning it to stay in place.

So, while I used to enjoy meditation in the early morning, it wasn’t because my mind was wide or free. It was because I loved the pre-dawn darkness, the way the early sunbeams streak the walls with the promise of new shapes and forms, and how the darkness finally lifts to reveal the world.

That’s what happens now. I get up and leave some of that headachy, self-engrossed realm behind. Pay attention to the shower, the toothbrush, an old towel that needs to be replaced. My horizons start receding, the world comes in and reminds me of its freshness, of the fact that it’s an ocean and not an enclosed lagoon, that I inhale air, that the leaves manufacture chlorophyl (a miracle that never ceases to amaze me), that anything can happen. The bigger the horizons, the less the fear. At least for me, reliance on the life force takes away fear.

I am aware that lots of people are very afraid of what climate change is bringing, or else they’re cynical about it, which is just the other side of the coin: So what’s the big deal if my house goes solar and I recycle and try not to drive or at least get an electric car? It’s the greedy corporations! It’s the ruthless, predatory system! It’s Republicans! It’s Trump!

Its cousin is fear: What will happen to this earth, we are destroying everything! There are grounds for this, but sometimes it borders on hysteria. I feel that our individual efforts do make a difference. When the Berlin Wall was torn down overnight and the Soviet Union collapsed, people looked around at each other and said: How did this happen? How did such an entrenched system collapse by itself? No intelligence agency, with its billions of dollars, predicted this would happen.

It didn’t collapse by itself, multiple individuals and organizations worked hard and, with faith and hope, made the space for it to collapse. Metaphorically, they were already disassembling the wall over many years till one day someone finally removed a brick, and the whole thing came crashing down.

An unsustainable system will also come crashing. It might take many of us and other species down with it, not much comfort in that, but eventually things will change. I say that not because of my faith in human beings but because of my faith in the life force.

The nights now are as loud as could be. I go out just before calling it a day (or an evening) into the nightly concerts of cicadas, crickets and tree frogs.

“It’s an orgy out here,” I tell Aussie.

“Why them and not us?” she wonders, yawning.

I walk around the perimeter lit by a motion sensor. It’s a small radius, beyond it it’s all dark. Dark to me, but so full of life for others.

I’ve had some tech trouble with the blog. I was told that those who subscribe to it and get it via their email have not gotten it for weeks. This is due to changes Google made that this low-tech author was not aware of. Right now, you can access my blog through my website (www.evemarko.com) and also through Facebook. The inimitable Silvana is working on it and has already informed me that if you re-subscribe on my website (check off Subscribe to Eve’s Blog), you should be receiving posts through email once again. My apologies for this. She continues to tweak the system to bring everybody else on board.

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You can also send a check to: Eve Marko, POB 174, Montague, MA 01351. Please write on the memo line whether this is in support or immigrant families or of my blog. Thank you.

WHATEVER YOU HAVE, HAS YOU

“Aussie, what weighs us down?”

“Your age and your weight.”

“I’m referring to possessions, Auss. Say, the house and the yard. Do you think we should sell them and go into a small condo?”

“And what am I going to patrol, a parking lot?”

“And what about our housemates, Lori and Henry?”

“No self-respecting condo will accept an illegal Chihuahua. That’s the only good argument I can see for moving.”

“I love our flower garden and the hummingbird feeders—”

“I need flowers to pee on!”

“But you know, Aussie, everything you own you also have to take care of. You have to plant and water the flowers, you have to clean and fill and refill the feeders, water the brown grass, dust off the picnic table and chairs. Whatever you have, has you. Let me tell you a story.”

“Do you have to?”

“Several weeks ago, I went to the hospital Emergency Room and from there was admitted straightaway into the hospital, so when the aide arrived asking for an inventory of what I’d brought with me (it’s an extra security measure), there wasn’t much to list: the clothes on my back, a phone, a small handbag, and the watch on my wrist.

“Some 36 hours later I get a new roommate in her early 60s. She had hurt herself while cleaning the tub and complained of pain shooting down her leg, though nothing had been broken. Sure enough, an hour after she settles in, the aide comes asking to inventory what she’d brought with her into the hospital. Like me, she had spent all day in the Emergency Room, never suspecting she would be admitted into the hospital for several days. The curtains were drawn so I couldn’t see anything, but I could hear them plain as day.

“’Well,’ says Janice (not her real name) to the aide, ‘I guess I have my rings.’

“’How many, one? Two?’

“’Seven,’ says Janice.

“The aide dutifully writes this down. ‘Any other jewelry?’

“’I have my earrings,’ says Janice.

“’I see you have them on,’ says the aide brightly.

“’Yeah, but I have five more pairs.’

“’I see,’ says the aide, and intones: ‘Five pairs of earrings’ as she writes it all down. ‘Anything else?’

“’Well, I have watches,’ says Janice.

“’The one on your wrist?’

“’I have three watches with me.’

“’Necklaces?’ guesses the aide.

“’Four necklaces and two brooches.’

“The next morning, I hear the nurse inform Janice that she’ll be taken down for a CT-Scan at 10:00. At exactly 10:00 a handsome young man appears, having wheeled a bed down the hallway, and informs Janice that he’s ready to wheel her to the CT-Scan on that bed. ‘Okay,’ says Janice, ‘I’ll get ready.’

“He leaves the room and, behind the curtain, I hear Janice getting up slowly and beginning to rummage around. The hallway is in my line of vision and soon I see the young man checking his watch. He knocks discreetly, asking if Janice is ready. Janice is not ready. He waits another five minutes, checks his watch, and I see him talking to the nurse.

“The nurse comes in. ‘Janice, you’re running late for the CT-Scan.’

“”I’m getting myself ready,’ Janice tells her.

“’Okay,’ says the angelic nurse. ‘Let me know.’

“She leaves, and now I hear the sound of small things spilling onto a hard surface. What’s she doing, I wonder. She doesn’t have to get dressed, she’s going to be wheeled in her hospital gown on the bed, lucky woman (I love being wheeled in a bed down hospital corridors!). She’s not going to the bathroom. And then it hits me: I bet she’s packing up that jewelry to take to the CT-Scan.

“Finally, Janice is ready. I see her walking to the door, dragging behind her a large heavy black rucksack. She lies on the bed, puts the heavy rucksack on her chest, clutching it with both hands, and off they go.

“So you see, Aussie,” I say to Aussie, “they say that we can’t take anything with us when we die. What scares me is: What if we can? Could you imagine taking everything we’ve accumulated into the afterlife, spending our time there watering, polishing, packing, folding, cleaning, laundering, and all the things we do to take care of our possessions? Spending one lifetime like that feels way too much.”

“What about me? Don’t you want me in your after-life?”

“And feed you, brush you, walk you, take you for your shots, and get you to Leeann twice a week for an eternity? No thanks, Auss.”

“Don’t worry, we’re not going to the same place anyway. You’ll be burning up while I chase squirrels in paradise.”

“How do you know I’ll be in hell and you’ll be in heaven, Aussie?”

“Because you’re the one who vows to relieve suffering. Not too much suffering in paradise, unless you count the squirrels.”

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You can also send a check to: Eve Marko, POB 174, Montague, MA 01351. Please write on the memo line whether this is in support or immigrant families or of my blog. Thank you.

THE HARDEST THING IN THE WORLD

“What’s the matter, Aussie? You’ve been glum, chum. Is the hot weather bothering you?”

“No.”

“Lack of rain? Just look at the grass!”

“You know I hate thunderstorms.”

“So, what is it, Auss?”

“How come I’m not getting an invite to testify before the January 6 committee?”

“For one thing, Aussie, you weren’t anywhere near Washington on January 6, what could you possibly have to say?”

“They’ve had Oath keepers, they’ve had Proud Boys, they’ve had Republicans. Why not dogs?”

“That’s the second thing, Aussie, you’re a dog. Why would they invite a dog to testify?”

“To gain credibility. People on all sides of the aisle trust dogs. We dogs are incapable of lying. They’re missing a great opportunity to boost their ratings.”

“Sorry, Aussie, you’re not a stakeholder here.”

“I hold steaks as well as anybody.”

“Aussie, you’re getting too disgruntled and pissed off. That’s no way to live. Which brings me to my main point.”

“Oh, oh.”

“When I was sick, everybody was terrific. People brought me food, flowers, good wishes, laughter. They sent cards and picked me up from the hospital. Even Henry was jubilant when I came home. And you? What did you do? Nothing.”

“What do you mean, nothing? I gave you better care than anybody.”

“Really? How?”

“I let you love me.”

“You let me love you, Aussie?”

“That’s the best care in the world, and it’s work work work all the time. Do you know how labor-intensive it is, to be loved?”

“Aussie, when I stroke you, that’s hard work for you?”

“I’m developing a goddamn bald spot from all that stroking!”

“And when I brush you, which you seem to thoroughly enjoy, especially in the summer when you’re shedding a lot of hair, that’s hard work for you?”

“Who wants a haircut every day?”

“Aussie, what’s hard about being loved?”

“For one thing, I’m too busy! I’m busy protecting private property from those varmint rabbits, growling half the night at the fox on the other side of the fence, and making sure Enrique doesn’t dig up all my marrow bones, the grave robber.”

“Too busy for love, eh, Aussie?”

“It’s hard to be loved. I have to shut my eyes, listen to silly love talk, feel fingers gently probing inside my fur, making contact with my skin. Ugggh!”

“Why is it ugghh?”

“Because nothing happens.”

“Nothing, Auss?”

“No drama, no fun, no excitement. Can’t throw Enrique into the river, can’t jump on your bed with my muddy paws, can’t do all the things I love to do. Just have to lie there, do nothing, and get love. It’s BORING! It’s much more fun to be mad at the world.”

“What will happen, Aussie, if you just stop doing all those things and take in all that love?”

“I might get addicted, that’s what! I may want it day after day without stop, and then what will become of me?”

“You’ll be loved, Aussie. You may even become a lover.”

“I’ll become a wuss, is what’ll happen. No way, Jose. I’m tough, I’m strong, leader of the Proud Pooches. Don’t have a soft bone in my body.”

“You’re all those things, Aussie—and you’re loved!”

“No, no, no! Admired—sure. Worshipped—even better. Loved—too much hard work.”

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You can also send a check to: Eve Marko, POB 174, Montague, MA 01351. Please write on the memo line whether this is in support or immigrant families or of my blog. Thank you.

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You can also send a check to: Eve Marko, POB 174, Montague, MA 01351. Please write on the memo line whether this is in support or immigrant families or of my blog. Thank you.

SILOS AND BRIDGES

Museum and Library, Barre, MA

Two pictures come to mind: On my first cross-country trip some 25 years ago, I traveled through Kansas and saw a sign off I-70: Downtown, with an arrow to the right. I looked out across those immense wheat farms and saw just one thing: a silo. The silo was downtown.

The second picture is in the photo above and it’s of the Bare Museum and Library in downtown Barre: A stereotypical New England town only bigger, with the white church, the white town hall, the library, the café, the local hair salon, the broad, grassy commons, lots of flags, lots of white picket fences. What makes this one special is that its library houses the Barre Museum, which itself contains hundreds of items belonging to Native American tribes, including a number that were looted from corpses of those killed in the Wounded Knee massacre.

Our friends from Cheyenne River who are aways part of the Zen Peacemakers’ summer Black Hills retreat, Manny and Renee Iron Hawk, were at Barre asking for these items to be returned to them (they are members of the Descendants of Wounded Knee organization) a few months ago. I wasn’t there at the time, but I followed the news carefully, and finally, after checking with Manny and Renee, decided to go there to talk with some of the people involved, which I did yesterday.

My sense was that both the Museum and the Lakota want this repatriation to happen, and that the breakdown happens, as it often does, in the communication. It’s why I still remember the silo in “downtown Kansas” from so many years back.

In many ways, we’re all silos. No matter how much we try to talk with each other, write, text, email, do everything we know to communicate, we inexorably frame ourselves within an imaginary construct called I or me, add stories and labels to make it feel real, and voila: we exist! Not as one of an infinite number of dharma eyes, but as a silo, self-isolating, self-centered, self-reinforcing again and again. No wonder that two people living under the same roof for many years often feel that they don’t really know the other person, not really.

Now imagine what happens when you throw in a different culture, different values, different histories, different language. It’s a wonder we can say anything at all and feel understood by the other.

Sure enough, we sat outside before the hot sun climbed over the trees (we’re under heat alerts for a couple of days). “We don’t know what items were taken from Wounded Knee and belong to the Lakota and what aren’t,” said Ann Meilus, who speaks for the Museum. “We have items from other tribes who may want theirs returned, too.”

She described the process the Museum’s governing body had to do to obtain a consensus to repatriate what they have there. Now they’ve begun to inventory everything, which includes documentation and photos, under the supervision of a museum curator and historian, and when that process is over, they would like Manny and Renee to come back, do ceremony, and will transport those items to Cheyenne River.

Our Lakota friends, in the meantime, are distrustful of the Museum. Government or institutional bureaucracy hasn’t favored them historically, time passes, excuses abound, and they still don’t have the clothes, the jewelry, and the ceremonial items that belong to their ancestors. The lack of trust on both sides is palpable.

Ann mentioned that since newspaper accounts have come out about this story, many of them inaccurate, she and staff have been on the receiving end of so much outrage and hate that her docents won’t work in the museum anymore. “Nobody gets paid here, everybody is a volunteer, and when you get so much rage from people who’re mostly unfamiliar with the situation and just react based on something they read, it can be really discouraging.”

Barbara Becker, who wrote the award-winning Heartwood: The Art of Living With the End in Mind , and I offered our services as communication facilitators. We’ve built relationships with the Lakota both at Cheyenne River and Pine Ridge, we’ve borne witness to what they’ve endured and continue to endure—they have every right in the world to distrust what some private museum out East is doing with their things. And these are their things, no one doubts that.

But we both also believe the Museum sincerely wishes to repatriate their items. Today I spoke to the curator who’s supervising the cataloguing, and he surprised me by saying that the inventory process is almost over, and letters will go out to various Native communities asking them to make a formal claim for certain articles that are theirs or may be of interest to them. Once these claims are officially made and publicized, the actual repatriation process will begin. These communities include Indian tribes from California, who have articles in the Museum, and others.

How do you translate between people who wish to honor these personal items as important reminders of a terrible history of the US, and those who say: that’s very nice, but they belong to us, period? You can take sides and make this just another front in an old, old war, which I believe many people did on social media.

Or you can create a space for more feedback, more two-way information, keeping as many in the loop as possible, and going clear-sightedly ahead, one day after the next, till actual repatriation takes place (I believe it will). You can bear witness to the different realities we all experience and make room for each other with patience and also with determination to achieve the end result.

You can take this situation as a chance to increase rancor and partisanship, or as an opportunity to build bridges between silos.

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LAND OF THE FREE

This morning I felt a long-familiar surge of energy. It ran up from my toes to my chest and caused me to bite my lips. I looked down and saw my fingers clenching the kitchen counter tightly. I hadn’t felt this in a long time and I knew instantly what it was: Rage.

It came when a text message arrived from an old friend. It showed the above photo of Albert Woodfox, one of the Angola Three. The message below read:

“Cov. ([Covid] did do what 43 years of solitary couldn’t. Albert will leave us tomorrow. UNBROKEN. Albert Woodfox. February 19, 1948-August 3, 2022.” I could only assume that my friend, who knew Woodfox and whose efforts were part of many people’s efforts to free him, was aware of his illness and knew he was on his way out.

My knuckles were white as I read and re-read the message and looked again and again at the photo. Here was anger, my old, old friend.

My housemate never heard of the Angola Three; she’s ten years younger than I am. But I remember when three Black Panthers around 1970 were put into the Angola Federal Penitentiary in Louisiana, this country’s most notorious prison, for highly questionable convictions. One, for God’s sake, was sentenced to prison for 50 years for armed burglary. Once there, they were educating other prisoners and helping them assert their legal rights when they were accused and convicted of killing a prison guard. Each was put into solitary confinement.

Amnesty took up their cause, saying no one should be put in solitary confinement for so many decades. Albert Woodfox’s 43 years in solitary is probably a record in the entire Western world. Congratulations to the Angola Federal Penitentiary, whose officials defended this because of the man’s “Black Pantherism.” Quarantine for 10 days due to coronavirus? Heck, no. Solitary due to Black Pantherism? You betcha.

I’m biting my knuckles ven as I write this. 43 years! Have we lost our collective minds? Have we lost our collective heart?

The man who sent me this text was a good friend of Anita Roddick, who founded the Body Shop. That Englishwoman was outraged by what happened to the Angola Three and started putting resources into freeing them. She died of cancer and on her deathbed asked my friend to continue that work. He did.

The first one to finally be released was Robert King, following almost 30 years of solitary, and Bernie and I met him some 18-20 years ago at a New York luncheon. I watched him across the table. He was quiet, soft-spoken, and immensely self-contained. That many years in solitary may well do that to you.

Henry Wallace was released in 2013, after 42 years of solitary, just days before dying of liver cancer. This wasn’t a case of compassionate release, his entire case had been dismissed by Louisiana judges, but that didn’t prevent the state prosecutor from filing for a new trial just one day before his death. You can figure out that message on your own.

Albert Woodfox was released some 6 years ago after serving 43 out of 45 years in solitary.

In each of these cases, Louisiana judges, hardly the most liberal in the country, overturned multiple convictions on grounds of unreliable witnesses, hidden exculpatory evidence, and most of all, overt racism in jury selection that prevented any fair trial. In practically each case the Attorney General of the state started a retrial all over again even as witnesses recanted their testimony, even as the years passed and they died. In Woodfox’s case, Angola Federal Penitentiary refused to release him even in the face of judges overturning his conviction and ordering him released. They were going to keep him there, in solitary, till the prosecutor could start another trial.

I am glad that all three men were finally released in the face of such blatant bigotry and naked display of brute power, even Henry Wallace, who enjoyed his freedom for only a few days before dying. But my heart felt no gladness this morning; it doesn’t feel it now.

What does my heart open to? The efforts of small teams of lawyers and activists, including Anita Roddick and my friend, who kept fighting on behalf of the Angola Three as they were immured in solitary cells deep inside the prison for decades, refusing to forget them, while new generations of Americans had no idea who they even were.

One New Orleans attorney, a powerful woman I was privileged to meet years ago, also works to free inmates held for decades at Guantanamo with not even a trial on the horizon. How many of us remember them? How many of us think of them? No big awards go to these lawyers from the American Bar Association; they measure their work not in terms of months or even years, but in terms of decades.

And me? What do I do with my anger and frustration at such blatant injustice? Easy for me to say, “That’s Louisiana,” whose attorney general said of the Angola Three that they “had never been held in solitary confinement but were in “protective cell units known as CCR [Closed Cell Restricted]”. I curl my lips in contempt of that inner voice with a Southern accent, my own prejudices against the South coming up bigtime.

But I know it’s not just Louisiana, It was Boston, which was given the great gift of Bill Russell, loved his 11 championships but couldn’t bring itself to love him.

Things will feel different tomorrow. I hope to drive to Barre to talk to someone about the transfer of clothing and other items looted from corpses at Wounded Knee from the local museum to the care of our Lakota friends, Manny and Renee Iron Hawk. Doing something, anything, always makes me feel better.

But not today.

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You can also send a check to: Eve Marko, POB 174, Montague, MA 01351. Please write on the memo line whether this is in support or immigrant families or of my blog. Thank you.

BUILDING A LIFE, AND BILL RUSSELL

Walking dogs again!

I feel like I’ve been through the wringer over the past two weeks. Examined with great urgency for pneumonia and asthma attacks, tested positive for tick-borne illness, rushed again to Emergency for doctors’ fear of clots in my lungs, but released home late Friday afternoon. In two weeks, I did two visits to the Emergency, one two-day hospitalization, one urgent visit to my regular clinic, and today an online visit with another doctor. Next week, with my doctor finally back from vacation, I will talk to her and almost certainly do more blood work.

Yesterday, I woke up, looked at the blue morning skies through the window, and knew this would be a turnaround day for me. Everything looked way more colorful than before: trees greener, hummingbirds redder, and grass browner, unfortunately, for lack of rain. Went out with dogs for the first time in 2 weeks and managed to keep up the energy throughout the day (without sleeping 12 hours out of 24). Today builds on that.

Years ago, it was common for successful Jewish men to become doctors, and they were so highly thought of that some people insisted they wanted only a Jewish doctor.

I was cared for in a local community hospital, not the kind you go to for cancer, serious stroke or surgery, but perfect for the things that ail me, like sudden asthma attacks or respiratory infections. I have had excellent care for the most part, with the exception of one doctor who, while diagnosing me well, couldn’t sit down and have a conversation with me about developments in my body (of which there were plenty) other than giving me his best opinion from on high for 5 minutes each morning and then running out the door.

I have little patience for things like that and wasn’t sleeping at all during my hospital stay, so I discharged myself in the face of dire threats and went home to sleep.

What I most take away from the experience of the last two weeks is the high-level care of nurses, lab technicians, and aides in the hospital. People choose to work in a place where no one wants to go. Very little natural light filters in (none into the emergency ward), and the shifts are long. They’ve been asked to work extra hours because, like so many hospitals, there aren’t enough nurses and aides. They get complaints and outbursts of anger and frustration, they’re tired—and I didn’t meet one who wasn’t gracious and attentive, who didn’t show great care for my wellbeing.

My night nurse did the night shift to make more money and would leave by 7 am to have breakfast with her two little girls before off they went for the day while she slept.

“Could you open the blinds to the window so that I could see the sun?” I asked the day nurse. I had little strength to walk.

She brushed the curtains away from the window, laughed, and said: “It’s really hot out there. It was 100 yesterday at 4:00 in the afternoon. I had face cream in the car and the oil separated from everything else due to the heat.”

What I’m especially happy about is the Spanish I hear in the hallways and the Spanish-accented talk by many of the nurses, lab technicians, aides, and doctors. I live amidst New England towns, not especially known for their diversity, but we do have a vibrant immigrant community here as well, some legal, some not. Each time someone spoke to me in accented English I knew they were probably first-generation immigrants here. I don’t care how they got across the border but here they were, highly professional and attentive to my every need.

As a first-generation American, I can guess at what lay behind all that: trying to get to the US, finding places to live (doubling and tripling up due to high rents), doing backbreaking, long hours on the farms, raising children, learning English, registering for one course at the local community college, then another, and slowly over the years obtaining the certificate or degree needed to get off the farms and work in medical care. It’s a big story of hardship, poverty, and discrimination, continuing to put one foot after another to build a career, build a life.

It’s what my parents did, and unless you live on the inside of it, it’s easy to miss that story, easier to deny it’s happening, to claim that immigrants now aren’t what they used to be, they don’t work like they used to, etc.

The many people who took care of me, with a single exception, did the best they could for me, a total stranger. As sick as I was, it was clear to me that right there the American dream was still going strong, still being fulfilled through the hard labor of many people. Not only are they sending their kids to college, they’re going to college.

I’m especially happy tor the women, who are very slowly breaking out of the macho culture that has restricted them from the day they were born. I’ve talked of this endlessly with Jimena, who has described to me the unwritten laws governing their lives to do with birth control, who spends the money, and who makes decisions in the family. These don’t change overnight, but every single woman I met in my hospital stays has begun to make big changes and model a different life to her daughters.

So no, send me no Jewish doctor. Send me people who talk with accented English, their big eyes warm, their lips smiling under the masks they wear 12 hours running, the respect and grace they show everywhere.

And finally, a related but not so related item: I mourn the death of Bill Russell. Many years ago, I watched basketball. I lived in New York then, so of course we were Knick fans, and it was a big deal whenever the Boston Celtics came to town. There was no one like Bill Russell. Two things stand out: One is that he wasn’t about making himself look good, he made everyone around him look good, elicited the best out of the players around him. That’s a definition of greatness. Stephen Curry is a bit like that, but not like Russell.

And second, what a human being he was. He played for and brought glory to one of the most racist cities in the northern US and he was angry about it. When he finished with the Celtics, he was finished with Boston and left. I’m glad he lived many more years and, I hope, found peace before he died.

Many of us are excellent in what we do; a few are even great. But way fewer than those are the people who transcend the personal gifts and skills they’ve cultivated and become something else, maybe a symbol, maybe a myth. I think of Muhammad Ali like that (those priceless radio interviews with Howard Cosell!), I think of the Dalai Lama like that. Yes, they’re products of family and training, but they’ve gone way beyond that.

It’s also how I think of Bill Russell.

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You can also send a check to: Eve Marko, POB 174, Montague, MA 01351. Please write on the memo line whether this is in support or immigrant families or of my blog. Thank you.

ANOTHER EMERGENCY

Here I am, back in the Emergency Room of our local hospital.

What a bummer! I slept well, got up, and was sure I would be walking the dogs this morning, at least for a short distance. Get those legs moving, I think to myself. Get your strength back.

But I saw a nurse practitioner yesterday because I didn’t feel good (my doctor is on vacation), they took blood, and immediately called to tell me to go back to the hospital. And when I didn’t listen, they called four more times. The readings weren’t good.

As much as I can figure it, they’re nervous of a pulmonary embolism. They checked this out 6 days ago and found no trace, but here I am to check it out a second time.

I was going to write a different kind of post today, full of life, joy Aussie’s nasty comments and a snippet or two of brilliance. I don’t like to write about illness. It sounds old! It sounds sick!

I’m accustomed to getting quick treatment in the Emergency of this small neighborhood hospital, but not this time, the place is full. I watched a man in his 30s in a wheelchair. He’d been brought in by taxi and told the nurse he passed out today. Brown-skinned, heavily tattooed and bearded, I watched him slide lower and lower in his wheelchair, heard his breath get heavier. Finally, I walked over and asked if he was okay. He shook his head. I walked to the receptionist:

“I think he’s passing out.”

She said she’ll call the nurse. When I walked back to him I saw what looked like the beginning of an epileptic attack, and I hurried back to hera nd told her. A nurse came out and brought him back in.

He looked so vulnerable and alone then, young, clearly sick and afraid. I’m on my own here, too. Lori, my housemate, brought me over and then went back to work, but she’ll be here in a minute if I need her and a dear doctor friend arrives this afternoon. My sister threatens to fly over from Israel, another friend wants to drive up from New York, and students and friends filled the house with food and flowers. I don’t feel alone at all.

And I’m trying to write a blog, for heaven’s sake! I’m the only one in Emergency’s reception with her computer on her lap happily punching keys. Not heaving up like the woman next to me just did, not bent over contemplating the floor in misery. How many years have I obeyed the call to draw words on an empty page or screen? It was the biggest comfort for a scared, unhappy child. Now all I can say is that it’s life.

It’s a beautiful hot day outside but I need to stay here in case they finally call me. Also, I’m hungry. But then, I’m always hungry. I tell people that they’ll know I expired not by checking my pulse but by waving a pint of Ben & Jerry’s Cherry Garcia ice cream under my nose and watch my nostrils.

My phone makes a decided effort to cheer me up by sending me spam texts about how easily I could “add inches.” All my life I’ve tried to subtract inches. Usually I get these messages at night but today they’re coming in early; do they know something I don’t know?

I’m aware of how much sicker everyone else seems to be than me. One or two complain about the wait, but they’re all stoic in the face of trouble (this is New England). In Jerusalem hospitals the orthodox monopolize all the seats surrounded by 10 children, same for Arab families only quieter, the younger Israelis pace back and forth and EVERYBODY’S ON THE PHONE! In Israel, the way they know you’ve expired is if you’re not talking on the phone. If you’re not listening it don’t mean nothing..

I promise myself that I will not contract here. It’s so easy to shrink into yourself at this time, to think only of your own body and to insist on the primacy of my own concerns. No sirree. I waved at the photo of Bernie and me on the altar early this morning before leaving home, a wave at Kwan-yin, too. I asked her to grow another arm (“You’ve got billions of them, what’s one more or less to take care of me?”) but also to take it easy for the weekend. Everybody’s got to rest sometime.

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I ACTUALLY FEED AUSSIE

Thunderstorm approaching my hospital room

“The white is the muscle; the black is the blood.”

While in the hospital I did an ultrasound of my heart. I had been breathing shallowly for quite a while and they didn’t know what to make of it.

“Are you from New York?” I ask the technician, a cheerful older woman speaking with a familiar accent, more at home with all that machinery than I’m in the kitchen.

“I’m from New Joisey,” she informs me, and instantly we bond.

“Are you sure you can find my heart?” I ask her.

“You sure you have one?” is the New Jersey retort.

“After all these years, I guess I’m finally going to find out,” I say.

The photos appear and I stay prone, looking over my shoulder, riveted. “Look at that thing working!”

“That pump works to feed your entire body. No breaks, no weekends off,” she says.

I can’t stop staring at it. “It doesn’t look that big,” I say. “Let me ask you something. When you fell in love, did it ever occur to you that your pump is working faster, and that’s all there is to this love thing?”

“No!”

I’m wheeled back upstairs to the hospital bed. I wish Aussie was around so that I could share my impressions with her. What a piece of work this heart is, I want to tell her. What a body this is, what a system! Our water pump for the well in back has only had to be repaired once in 18 years, but my heart’s been going for over 72. No warranty, no service agreement, it labors 24/7. It takes a breakdown in the system for me to get what an extraordinary biological cosmos this really is.

The little breakdowns are in some way the most interesting.

“Look at how amazing it is to feed you, Aussie.”

“Huh?”

“Look at all the combinations of actions that are needed. I have to walk slowly to the laundry room, turn, bend down, and pick up your food bowl without keeling over.”

“You know I can do all this for you, why strain? I’d simply skip the kibble part and head to the kitchen.”

“Now watch me put the bowl on the washing machine and reach up with my other arm for the dogfood. It’s a miracle!”

“Skip the kibble and head to the refrigerator, less pressure on your balance.”

Now watch me pour the dogfood into a cup without spilling, Aussie! I have to hold the bag with two hands.”

“Wake me up when this is over.”

“Now I walk holding the bowl in my hand to the kitchen, making a right turn without getting dizzy. Slowly, I turn around to face the refrigerator, take out some broth and a little chicken—”

“Could we make that a lot? I don’t want you to lose your sense of proportion; God knows you’ve lost everything else!”

“It’s this infection hammering my body, Auss. I turn back to the counter, put broth and chicken on the counter next to your food bowl even as the refrigerator door closes behind me.”

“What an acrobat you are! If you fall, try to fall in the net, okay?”

“I then walk to get the knife, pick it up, and return to the counter holding it.”

“I’ve been adopted by Albert Einstein!”

“I pour some broth and cut some chicken into your bowl, Aussie.”

“More! More! More! More!”

“Now this is the biggest trick of all. I do everything in reverse, Auss. Turn back to refrigerator and put back broth and chicken, turn around again, pick up your bowl, hold tight with both hands to the rim while walking back to the laundry room, and then, slowly and very carefully, bend down and put it on the mat that says Watch your paws, and voila! Dinner’s ready!”

“You didn’t even vomit into my food bowl like you did before! I vomit into it every day and I’m not even sick.”

“Now I start the whole thing again with your water bowl. I have to bend down, pick it up gently, walk to the door to throw the water at the flowers, slowly turn around, walk to the kitchen—”

“Just make me a margarita, will you?”

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WHERE EXACTLY WERE YOU?

It’s Monday, and I’m still recovering. I’ll be recovering for a while longer.

I got sick a week ago, waking up last Monday with no strength, barely able to get out of bed. My breathing was labored, so my thoughts right away went to asthma, an old, cranky friend of mine.

I sat on the corner chair of the bedroom, content to look out. I had no strength to feed or walk dogs, meditate, even read. Instead, between naps, I looked out at the wild jungle our yard has become in this summer heat. It’s hard to describe how happy I am, even breathing shallowly, not doing anything. No choice about it, no decision about what gets done and what doesn’t, just look out the window, just stop doing.

As I took more asthma medicine, my hands became so jittery I couldn’t hit the computer keys. Sending a brief text took 10 minutes. I couldn’t even brush my teeth.

On Wednesday I went into the Emergency Room of our local hospital. They continued heavy doses of cortisone against asthma, but as more tests results came in, they were no longer certain of the diagnosis and wished to admit me. I refused, but when my housemate Lori came to pick me up and heard what they said, she talked it over with me in the parking lot and persuaded me to go back. I was officially admitted into the hospital Wednesday night.

In the two days I spent in the hospital, my first in a number of years, I was treated for everything under the sun, including asthma, anaplasmosis (tick-borne disease that is not Lyme), and finally pneumonia. Numbers would go up and then come crashing down, only to go up again. Breathing still shallow, coughing, and an exhaustion that was exacerbated because I couldn’t sleep at nights. I felt I was fading fast.

On Friday afternoon I faced the same quandary I’d faced earlier. The hospital didn’t want me to go, not all test results had come in yet, and they were releasing me sicker than I was when I came in. They pleaded and harangued for me to stay over the weekend, guaranteed me that if I leave the hospital, I would be back in Emergency early the next morning.

I was adamant, the only exception being when I started vomiting and a picture of Bernie dying of sepsis floated in front of my mind, when he had vomited and was unable to hold back the liquids in his body.

“Could I have sepsis?” I asked the nurse.

“You have major infection, your body is dealing with tremendous stress. Serious things can happen to you this weekend.”

She was frightened by my decision, and for a moment I felt worse for her than for me. But 10 minutes later my dear friend, Sensei Dr. John Kealy, took me from the wheelchair to his car and off we went to Walgreen’s to pick up enough medication to line up a drug store.

I came home late Friday afternoon, tottered upstairs, and fully clothed, collapsed on the bed and slept for 16 hours. The door was closed even to the dogs.

I felt like I was sleeping on a cloud (though the bed is very firm), floating in heaven, carried by air,.

By the time I got up the next day, I knew I wasn’t headed over to Emergency anytime soon. That afternoon a message came from the hospital doctor to let me know that the test for tick-borne illness had come back positive and to cancel much of the medications I’d picked up. My hands were still too jittery to do any writing. The weekend came and went, I didn’t go back to the hospital.

Instead, I had the wonderful opportunity to witness once again how well the world goes on without me, how the hummingbirds have lots of nectar from the profusion of honeysuckle (see above) even if I can’t fill the feeders, how Green River Zen Center goes on splendidly well without me, as does the Zen Peacemaker Order, as do even the dogs, who’re somewhat unsure of what’s happening. They even managed to endure a thunderstorm without me.

People like me require endless reminders of how they’re as relevant and expendable to life as the twigs and branches that the storm threw down to the ground. We think we’re so big; we are and we’re not, mostly we’re not.

Today I am finally able to hit the computer keys. There’s so much inside, love and appreciation for everything I received, the care, the lonely nights, the unpredictable genius of the path. Lots to write about: marvelous nurses and wacky roommates, how often I laughed and laughed at the wise beings we think we are, clowns all.

Now is not the time.

Slow steps ahead.

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You can also send a check to: Eve Marko, POB 174, Montague, MA 01351. Please write on the memo line whether this is in support or immigrant families or of my blog. Thank you.

 

Make a Donation to My Blog Donate To Immigrant Families

You can also send a check to: Eve Marko, POB 174, Montague, MA 01351. Please write on the memo line whether this is in support or immigrant families or of my blog. Thank you.