“You know I don’t like to ask you anything, right?”

“Right, Aussie.”

“You know that I’m superior to you in every way, right?”

“Right, Aussie.”

“But here’s one thing I can’t figure out. When ships reach Hormuz, why can’t they go straight?”

“Is this a joke, Auss? A koan?”

“I never joke, and I certainly don’t know what koans are. The Man said that he’s going to control the Hormuz Straight along with the Ayatollah, whom he said he didn’t know personally but I guess he trusts him, which is good enough for me. But what does it mean that they control the straight? Everybody else has to go around?”

“You misunderstand the word, Aussie. The Hormuz Strait refers to a narrow passageway of water that ships take in order to sail from the Persian Gulf to the Gulf of Oman and the Arabian Sea, to bring oil from the oil producing countries to the rest of the world.”

“But in order to do that, they sail straight, right? They don’t go in circles.”

“They sail north, cross the Strait, and then sail south.”

“So they cross straight, right?”

“Aussie, strait isn’t straight. Strait means a narrow body of water. Narrow, as in the phrase in dire straits.”

“Of course they’re in dire straits. Who wouldn’t be if they go in circles? No wonder The Man is trying to keep them straight. Do you realize what a waste of time it is to go in circles rather than to go straight?”

“Actually, Aussie, there’s a well-worn koan asking how do you go straight on a road with 99 curves.”

“You bring in Elon and he DOGE’s all those curves, problem solved.”

“Aussie, life is never one straight path, it goes in different directions.”

“Not with The Man. You see the navy blazer he always wears? That’s his straight-jacket. Looks good, doesn’t it? Don’t you wish you had one?”

“No, Aussie. Straitjackets aren’t my style.”

“But is it true that he wants to do this with Ayatollah?”

“That’s what he said a couple of months ago, Auss.”

“What’s an ayatollah, Aussie?”

“An ayatollah collects tolls, Henry.”

“She’s wrong, Henry. In Iran right now, the Ayatollah is the country’s spiritual leader.”

“I’m never wrong, Henry, don’t listen to the Senora. An ayatollah is the one who’s at the booth when the ships pass, making sure they first pay tolls and then go straight. If they don’t pay tolls they wrap the ships in a big burqa and then send them to go in circles.”

“Aussie, I hope you understand what a big embarrassment this is for The Man.”

“The Man is never embarrassed.”

“The world has always depended on our country to keep waterways and trade channels open so that goods can be shipped all over, and now, because your Man and Bibi Netanyahu decided to start a war, we can’t guarantee shipping through the Hormuz Strait, which affects the world economy big time.”

“I know what to do. We’ll call it Trump Straight. Then we’ll rename the Persian Gulf the Trump Gulf, rename Gulf of Oman Gulf of Trump, and the Arabian Sea will become the Trumpian Sea.”

“And how will that change anything?”

“After we put his name on all those gulfs, seas, dire straits, whatever, we put No Trespassing signs everywhere. That way ships go in and out, pay tolls to Ayatollah, and anyone who doesn’t pay will be considered to be trespassing and reported to the International Criminal Court. Or we just save time and bomb them, like we’re doing to those boats in the Pacific. Only we can’t afford the bombs, we’re running out.”

“You think No Trespassing signs will do it, Aussie?”

“They do it on Rattlesnake Gutter Road. They do it at the camp by Fiske Pond, so why not here? And we could add whatever we want: No trespassing, no hunting, no trapping, no sports vehicles except oil tankers, no dogs on leash. On Trump waters, dogs go free and collect treats from Ayatollah at the tollbooth.”

“Aussie, this is the silliest conversation I’ve ever had with you. And no matter what you say, I still think that no path in life is all straight.”

“Didn’t you tell me that a famous Hasidic master said that the whole world is a straight bridge, and the essential thing is not to be afraid?”

“He said that the world is a narrow bridge, a strait bridge, not straight. Life is like walking on a narrow ledge and the important thing is not to be afraid.”

“Does ayatollah collect tolls on that bridge?”

“The bridge is strait and has no fees.”

“You mean, it’s free?”

“There are costs, Aussie. There are costs.”