“Aussie, did you know that Donald Trump wants New York to call the Penn Train Station by his name, as well as Dulles International Airport in Washington, DC, otherwise he won’t release their renovation money that was already authorized by Congress?”

“Of course, it was my idea to begin with. In fact, I think we need to rename every room in this house for Trump. The kitchen should be called The Donald Trump Make Hamburgers Great Again Kitchen, serving only ketchup and mayo with your favorite hamburger, no contraband jalapeno, salsa, or Swiss cheese. No admission to vegans, vegetarians, and tofu-eaters.”

“It’s a small kitchen, Auss.”

“We’ll pull down the garage, give the kitchen an East Wing, so to speak. Amazon will cover the costs provided they can film Melania on heels by the stove for 5 minutes. That way they can film Melania 2: Homemaker. “

“I’m not sure that movie did so well, Aussie.”

“It was a smash. Your office will be The Donald Trump and Pete Hegseth Media Situation Room, for identifying sources of fake news, like you.”

“Why the Pentagon chief?”

“So that he could call them cartels and bomb them, of course.”

“Aussie, no one in this house is part of a cartel, including Henry.”

“Speaking of which, we can call Lori’s room The Henry Illegal Chihuahua Memorial Room.”

“That’s a terrible thing to say, Auss, even for you.”

“At least we’ll have a room to remember him by. We’ll call the entrance The Donald Trump Valentine Vestibule. No cash, chocolate, or flowers, just crypto. “

“Ridiculous.”

“If the snow ever melts—and you believe in a warming planet ha ha ha!—we’ll call the back yard The Donald Trump Japanese Garden, no flowers, trees, shrubs, or birds allowed.”

“Over my dead body, Aussie.”

“After renovation, we’ll call the roof The Donald Trump Healing Ceiling.”

“What renovation, Aussie?”

“Take off the solar panels and put in lead. Exxon will be happy to pay for this, you won’t have to Shell out one penny. Shell out—ha ha ha. Get it? Unfortunately, we have to get rid of the dining area.”

“Why?”

“To make the living room bigger, how else do we make space for wrestling events? We’ll call it Trump Hall for the Arts. And, of course, there’s your bedroom.”

“Not my bedroom, Aussie.”

“Don’t worry, we won’t name it after Donald.”

“Thank heavens.”

“How’s The Jeffrey Epstein Memorial Playground—”

“Not a good name, Aussie.””

“—That Donald Trump Never Ever Ever Visited. TJEMPTDTNEEV, for short.”