“’THIS IS A WITCH HUNT!’”

“’NEVER, EVER THREATEN ME. I KNOW I’M MISSING THREE TEETH, BUT THE ONES I HAVE BITE!’”

“’EVE IS GETTING SHORTER AND FATTER. I’M ATHLETIC, SVELTE, AND RUN MARATHONS. BET ON ME, NEVER ON HER.’”

“Aussie? Aussie? What are you doing?”

“I am texting, of course. ‘HEY LOSERS. YOU LOST, YOU’LL ALWAYS LOSE. KNOW WHY? BECAUSE YOU’RE PROFESSIONAL LOSERS. I’M A STAR.’”

“Aussie, it’s 3 in the morning. Who texts at 3 in the morning?”

“That’s the point, Miss Oh-So-Limited Imagination. Since nobody else in their right mind does that, it’s the best time to send a text. No competition. You see, if you’re in your right mind, you don’t do that, but if you’re in TrumpMind, that’s what you do. ‘SORRY LOSERS, IT’S NOT YOUR FAULT THAT YOUR IQ IS IN THE TRASH AND MINE IS LIKE EINSTEIN.’”

“This is how you’re spending these winter nights, Aussie?”

“I’m nowhere near equaling the Man’s Olympic record for most texts in one night. He sent out 160 texts a week ago, 100 within one hour, one every three minutes—”

“No, Aussie, it’s—”

“Gotta be a genius to do that. This is why the Man is great and you aren’t. You think the way other Libs think, but the Man knows something you don’t.”

“Which is what PT Barnum said long ago, Aussie? That ‘there’s a sucker born every minute?’ ‘No man ever went broke overestimating the ignorance of the American public?’ ‘Clowns are the pegs on which the circus is hung?’”

“’NO MORE RABIES SHOTS UNLESS YOU WANT TO BE IDIOT-SAVANTS!’”

“Aussie, you’re misleading other canines.”

“Don’t bother me, I’m on a roll here. ‘NO MORE DISTEMPER SHOTS, THEY’LL GIVE YOU A TEMPER! HEE HEE HEE!’”

“What got into you, Auss?”

“The Man sent me a free subscription to Truth Social, his very own platform, provided I start my own acronym. How’s MADSA?”

“Make American Dogs Sick Again?”

“Close but no cigar jerky. Make American Dogs Stout Again. ‘YOU HEAR THAT, NIGHTOWL CANINES? SNACK ON THOSE PIGGY CRUNCHIES AS YOU READ THESE, YOU’LL BE HAPPY.’”

“Now I’m really worried, Aussie. Not only are you going crazy, but you’re also getting other dogs crazy.”

“’THROUGHOUT MY LIFE, MY TWO BIGGEST ASSETS HAVE BEEN MY MENTAL STABILITY AND HOW SMART I AM. THAT’S WHY I’M THE STAR.’”

“You’re no star in this house, Aussie. Now get off the phone.”

“’I’M BEING MUZZLED AGAIN! I’M BEING CANCELED! WHOEVER’S UP, COME OVER AND HELP ME TAKE OVER.’”

“Don’t do this, Aussie.”

“’HITLER AND CHEWBACCA MASKS WELCOME. SPEAKING OF CHEWBACCA, DON’T SMOKE, CHEW IT. HEE! HEE! HEE!’”

“Aussie—”

“’COME AND MAKE A DUMP IN HER OFFICE, OR EVEN BETTER, IN HER BED. YOU KNOW WHY? BECAUSE SHE’S THE REAL HEAD OF THE SINALOA CARTEL. I LIVE AT—‘”

“Don’t even think of listing our address, Aussie. Go to sleep, girl.”

“I’ve got 135 more to go. ‘IF THEY TRY TO GIVE YOU A SHOT FOR A NON-EXISTENT DISEASE LIKE LYME, BITE ‘EM.’”

“Aussie, I have to go to sleep.”

“Good, you’re not my audience anyway. ‘YOU KNOW WHAT HAPPENED TO BO OBAMA, OR BOBAMA, DON’T YOU? MICHELLE KILLED HIM!’”

“’WATCH THOSE SOMALI DOGS, THEY’LL EAT YOU ALIVE!’”

“’IF PUTIN ADOPTS ME, I’LL BITE ANGELA MERKEL, TOO.’”

“’DON’T BELIEVE THEM WHEN THEY SAY MCDONALD’S ISN’T YOUR FRIEND!’”

“‘IT’S FREEZING IN NEW ENGLAND. WE NEED GLOBAL WARMING–NOW!'”