Montague Reporter

“9/22, 6:35 pm. Caller from East Taylor Hill Road reports that a neighbor’s dog pooped in her driveway, and a thing that has flowers in it tipped over. Caller wondering if MPD could have an officer fingerprint it as her cameras had a blind spot and didn’t get anything. Caller called back and was wondering if her street could be added to a drive-by patrol. Report taken.”

“Aussie, tell the truth, was that you?”

“Of course not. I can’t get out of the backyard, remember? It’s fenced.”

“Yes, you can, liar. In early mornings I can hear you out front barking at deer. There’s a place in the fence you get through, there always is.”

“Don’t you dare let them pawprint me.”

“You know, Auss, something interesting happened to me the other week. I actually went to the Yom Kippur Eve services in Temple Israel in Greenfield. The first time in 25 years.”

“And did you atone for your sins towards me?”

“I did not. Did you atone for your sins towards me, Aussie?”

“Of course not. Without my sins I’d be out of work.”

“Aussie, the first part of the service is the well-known Kol Nidre verse, which is originally in Aramaic, more ancient than Hebrew, and you know what it says? All vows and promises I made in the past year are null and void.”

“How about your vow to feed me cheeseburgers twice a week?”

“What vow was that?”

“The vow you forgot about.”

“Aussie, they’re talking about vows you make to God, not a promise to a dog. Not to mention that I never vowed to give you cheeseburgers twice a week.”

“What about the vow to give me steak every birthday? Instead, I got liver. You call liver a birthday celebration? And what’s the point of starting a religious service with that?”

“It’s actually quite beautiful, Aussie. It helps you start a new year with a clean slate. If you made vows or promises that were not kept, they’re null and void anyway so you don’t get punished, see?”

“No.”

“You know what occurred to me then, Auss? Several times a week I invoke the Four Bodhisattva Vows:

Beings are numberless, I vow to free them.

Delusions are inexhaustible, I vow to transform them.

Dharma gates are boundless, I vow to enter them.

The awakened way is unsurpassable, I vow to embody it.”

“Why would anybody make such ridiculous vows?”

“What would you vow, Aussie?”

“Cheeseburgers are fattening, I vow to eat them.

Driveways are open, I vow to poop in them.

Henry is illegal, I vow to deport him.

America is great again, the hell with everybody else.

And I don’t go to no Arabic service that says they don’t count anymore.”

“Aramaic, Aussie, not Arabic. You know what occurred to me as I listened to the cantor chant those words? What would my life look like if the Four Bodhisattva Vows were indeed suspended?”

“You’d be free and happy.”

“Aussie, those vows have directed my life for so long. I’ve always taken them seriously. Of course I messed up lots—”

“Liver instead of steak!”

“–but day after day they directed my choices and activities. My hopes and dreams are bound up in them, as well as passion and love. And Aussie, what if they’re null and void?”

“You’d be free! Free to be me—I mean, you. Free to lie around under the sun and do nothing. Get covered by leaves, poop in someone’s driveway, chew on a squirrel. Free to live! No more worries, no more concerns. Don’t read the papers, don’t pay for immigrants’ drivers’ ed—deportation is good for them. Those Bodhisattva Vows are a prison sentence, so now that that Arabic service has opened up the gates, go through and enjoy.”

“What happens if I don’t want to suspend those vows?”

“You’re an idiot. Try to imagine what it would be like to wake up in the morning. People die, animals getting extinct, earth is suffering—and it don’t concern you. You do only what you want. Me, I sneak out to go hunting; you’d probably want to stare at a tree all day long or something stupid like that. Freedom! I tell you, there’s nothing like it.”

“I wonder about meaning. I wonder about caring and loving. You think I’d be happy that way, Aussie?”

“Delirious.”