“Happy birthday to you, happy birthday to you, happy birthday dear Aussie, happy birthday to you. You’re 8 years old, Auss. What do you have to say for yourself?”

“Steak.”

“I usually get you steak on your birthday, Auss, but I went to the Greenfield Co-op—”

“Who shops at the Greenfield Co-op?”

“I do, especially when I buy red meat, which I like to buy from local farms. Do you know what just 8 ounces of steak cost? $35.”

“Who buys steak at the Greenfield Co-op?”

“Instead, I bought you beef liver, which is yummy and lower in price. What do you think?”

“Next time buy rib-eye steak with the bone in the supermarket. Don’t make me pay for your woke ideas.”

“Listen, Aussie, at 8 years old, you’ve entered middle age. Looking back, do you have any regrets?”

“Lots. I never had a Bat Mitzva.”

“Aussie, you’re a dog. Dogs don’t have Bat-Mitzvas.”

“If you’d done a Bat-Mitzva for me, I’d have gotten steak. I’d have had a party, invited all my friends to run Illegal out of town, drank and ate all we wanted while you humans would have hung around saying Good dog, good dog, like anybody cares. I’d have gotten lots of presents—”

“Like what, Auss?”

“A fur-trimmed bed with built-in pillow and massage. A dog water fountain with waterfall. Calm The Eff Down Chew and Heal hemp supplements to help me get through thunderstorms and narco terrorists like Illegal. An ICE FEDERAL AGENT sweatshirt. Also, a gift certificate for junk removal.”

“What junk, Aussie?”

“Vacuum cleaners and brooms. Your Yankee baseball cap and your copy of Obama’s Dreams of My Father. You could also get me a couple of pipe bombs.”

“To bomb what?”

“Car washes and motorcycles. Also, liver.”

“You know, Aussie, being Bat-Mitzva has nothing to do with food, drink, or parties. Bat- Mitzva means that you’re now responsible for carrying out mitzvot, good deeds. It means you speak respectfully, serve all life, and act kindly to all beings. You become a full-fledged grown-up.”

“You call that being a grown-up?”

“What do you call being a grown-up?”

“Party party party. Kickin’ ass. Carousing 24/7. Steak. Though I may get a small part-time job.”

“Doing what, Auss?”

“Late-night talk shows. I hear a couple of positions have opened up, and you know how I love to talk.”

“Aussie, when you’re Bat-Mitzva, you have responsibility for leading a good life and creating a happy world for all.”

“That doesn’t sound like fun. Can I still grab a dog bone from the open bins of the Farmers’ Cooperative?”

“I had to pay for that, Auss, not to mention that you peed on the big bags of fertilizer by the front door.”

“I guess it’s lucky I never had a Bat-Mitzva. That way I can be my happy-go-lucky self with no concern for anybody or anything.”

“Aussie, The Dalai Lama says that if you want to be happy, do something for others.”

“You know what I say about him: Yak, yak, yak.”

“Being Bat-Mitzva gives you a purpose in life.”

“I don’t want no purpose in life. I want to be free! Free to be me. Speaking of me, how old do you have to be to have a Bat-Mitzva?”

“For human girls, 12 years old. That’s about 2 for you. It’s not too late, Auss. Some women do a Bat-Mitzva ceremony when they’re a lot older. If you’re ready to take on a good, responsible life, you could have your Bat-Mitzva now.”

“Seems to be a hell of a price to pay for steak.”