The Israeli military warned Palestinians not to approach the sites or the adjacent roads [of aid distribution centers], saying that they were now considered “combat zones.”

“Aussie, why are you barking at Henry when he tries to come into the kitchen to eat?”

“The kitchen is now a combat zone. No one enters without permission.”

“Aussie, Henry has to eat and drink.”

“Not in a combat zone. Anywhere else, ok.”

“Henry weighs only 15 pounds, Auss, he’s no threat to you.”

“He may harbor terrorist goals you know nothing about.”

“Like what, Auss?”

“To make this a sanctuary for small dogs. And I’ll bet he has a coterie of them hiding in the bushes, just waiting to kick us out and make us refugees. Don’t trust anybody, especially Chihuahuas! I know he has big eyes that can steal your heart and very endearing habits like bringing you his toys for a 6-hour fetch game, but I repeat again. He is not to be trusted.”

“And why are you barking at him now in the back yard?”

“I officially declare the back yard a combat zone.”

“Aussie, Henry needs to pee.”

“That’s what he says, the nerve of the Illegal Chihuahua. He’ll have to wait till I do my patrol. Be careful about picking up any of his balls or frisbees, they may be boobytrapped.”

“Aussie, every dog needs to pee.”

“Henry is not a regular dog, he’s the Illegal Chihuahua, highly trained by Mexican-Iranian specialists for subterfuge and deceit. Don’t let him fool you with those big eyes, you never know what’s coming till it’s already here.”

“You’re now barking at Henry as he sits in the back seat of the car.”

“I officially declare the back seat of the car a combat zone. All inhabitants can move south to the front seat. Of course, Henry may kill you before I could declare the front seat a combat zone.”

“Aussie, if both front and back seats become combat zones, how do I get him to the vet?”

“He has legs.”

“Ten miles away? And now what? Oh, don’t tell me, Auss. You’re declaring the front yard also a—”

“I officially declare the front yard a combat zone. All inhabitants must move to the back yard—”

“Which you’ve also declared a combat zone, so where can Henry go? Besides, what about noncanine inhabitants? What about the cardinals waiting for the eggs in their nest to hatch? What about the rabbits who like to run under the rhododendron bush? What about the garter snakes? Do you have any idea how much life there is on these grounds, human, canine, and not?”

“War is hell, can’t be helped. Henry, don’t even think of going upstairs!”

“Aussie, Lori is now back upstairs. I want to visit my family.”

“Sorry, Illegal, the upstairs of this house is now a combat zone. The bedrooms are too close together, can’t keep track of proscribed movement.”

“But she’s my family, Aussie!”

“Let me give you advice, Illegal: If you want your family to be spared, don’t hang out together. Besides, it’s a fact of life that when families hang out too much together, it leads to violence.”

“So let me understand. Not the kitchen, not the car, not the front and back yards, not the upstairs—”

“All combat zones.”

“The senora’s office, Aussie?”

“The senora’s office is now officially an active combat zone, and you can blame it on her. She’s a foolish, naïve, and privileged human who looks at a computer screen with her back to you. No understanding of the threat you represent. But you don’t fool me. You may be small and look powerless, you may say that all you want to do is eat, drink, pee, and poop, but I bet a couple of Yorkies are hiding behind you right now, waiting to ambush the sweet, unsuspecting Senora. What do you expect from Buddhists.”

“So Aussie, are you saying that the entire house I’ve lived in for almost 5 years is now a combat zone? What am I supposed to do?”

“Get the hell out of here, Illegal. Leave. Vamoose. You must be awfully stupid if you haven’t gotten the message yet. The Kings up the hill may take you in, or else Mohammad next door. On the other hand, forget Mohammad, forget everybody. I now declare all of life an active combat zone.”

“Why, Aussie? Life is beautiful!”

“No, Illegal, life is war.”