“Aussie, where are you going? It’s nighttime. Snow is starting soon.”

“I’m sleeping.”

“No, you’re not, Auss.”

“I’m sleepwalking.”

“To the refrigerator I’m busy cleaning?”

“Ignore me because I don’t know what I’m doing. I’m sleeping.”

“I see you sniffing at Henry’s cheese, Auss.”

“It’s called foodsomnia.”

“What?”

“Didn’t you hear about the guy from my neighborhood—he’s also an Aussie—who was found not guilty of rape because he has sexsomnia? That, for your information, is a medical condition in which someone exhibits sexual behavior in his sleep and doesn’t know what he’s doing.”

“I never heard of it, Aussie.”

“I have foodsomnia. I engage in food behavior—which means I eat—when I’m asleep, and you can’t hold me responsible.”

“You don’t look asleep to me.”

“My eyes are closed; only my nose works. Where’s the ice cream?”

“Sniff it out, sleepyhead.”

“I can’t, it’s up in the freezer.”

“Now where are you going, Aussie?”

“Upstairs. You have some of Lori’s date treats on your desk and if I jump on your chair I can get to them.”

“All while you’re asleep?”

“It’s called cookiesomnia.”

“You’re awake, Aussie, and you know it.”

“No, you’re awake because that’s what Zen is all about. Is that ever a mistake! Me, I prefer to stay asleep. That way, I can do anything I want and nobody can blame me. Best trick I’ve ever learned.”

“Aussie, that’s akin to the excuse people use when they drink or do drugs. They harm someone and then say they didn’t know what they were doing.”

“Speaking of which, can you get me canine calming cannabis?”

“Pot is dangerous for dogs.”

“That’s okay. As long as I remain asleep, I can get away with anything.”

“Aussie, you’re fully conscious and you know it.”

“As conscious as you humans were when you killed off all the people who once lived here and then you say that you weren’t conscious of what you were doing. Well, the same goes for me, and I’m having the best time of my life.”

“Now where are you going?”

“Off to beat up on Henry.”

“Henry’s asleep, Auss, leave him alone.”

“I can’t. I have bullysomnia. Watch me terrorize him even while I’m sleeping.”

“Aussie, this is terrible. Anybody can do anything and claim to be asleep and therefore didn’t know what he was doing.”

“Ain’t it great? You know all the crazy things the Man is doing now?”

“You mean the destruction of the government?”

“Muskosomnia.”

“Threats to take over Gaza?”

“It’s called . You’d be amazed how many people suffer from that condition. It started in Israel and now it’s here. It’s becoming a pandemic—and all while they’re asleep!”

“They’re not asleep, Aussie.”

“You call that being awake?”

“Now where are you going, Auss?”

“I have a new, highly rare diagnosis with a long medical name: Disembowelmentsomnia!”

“Huh?”

“I’m disemboweling Henry’s stuffed toys. Say goodbye to Pinky the Elephant, Susie Sloth, and Morbid Moe.”

“Who’s Morbid Moe?”

“He was Morbid Moe Macaw.”

“Aussie, what have you done? What do we tell Henry in the morning?”

“Tell him I’m a very sick dog with multiple ailments and can’t be held responsible for anything.”

“Oh oh, Aussie, I feel Ilke I’m catching something.”

“A cold?”

“Something new, something I’ve never had before. It’s called throwoutsomnia.”

“Never heard of it.”

“While I’m dead asleep I throw somebody out of the house.”

“Wake up! Wake up!”