“Stop right here! Stop right here!”

“At a tag sale, Aussie? We don’t need anything.”

“I need lots of stuff and here’s where we’ll get it cheap, so stop the car and let me out.”

“Okay, Auss, now we’re out. Exactly what are you looking to buy?”

“Greenland.”

“Greenland? What for? Because Donald Trump says it’s vital for our security and mineral wealth?”

“I’m not buying anything for The Man, I’m buying for The Other Man.”

“Who, Auss?”

“Elon.”

“Musk? Musk wants Greenland? What for?”

“To make it the biggest winter park in the world. Entry fee would be $2 million with everything on the house, including an open bar.”

“What a deal. Why would anybody want to go to Greenland?”

“Not anybody, just rich people. Given what he’s charging to go to the moon, this is a steal. And what about that over there, in the corner of the table?”

“England?”

“There’s an end-of-season sale on England.”

“What end of season, Aussie? We’re still in the middle of winter.”

“The end of England’s season. They’ve had it, done for, finished. Death of Elizabeth, all that inflation and unemployment, the many years without a World Cup. Kate did announce she’s in remission from cancer, so that might add a pound or two to the price, otherwise it’s a basement sale. I’m letting Elon know; he trusts my judgment on these things.”

“Anything else you see that Elon might be interested in? His homeland, South Africa?”

“Don’t be silly. If Elon wants to buy anything in Africa, he’ll buy the continent. There’s Israel, of course.”

“Elon wants to buy Israel?”

“Only the high-tech sector. He’ll probably sell off everything else, like all good hedge fund managers.”

“You mean, Aussie, he’ll sell the Al-Aqsa Mosque and the Wailing Wall in old Jerusalem?”

“Especially the Al-Aqsa Mosque and the Wailing Wall. You walk barefoot in the first and you cry in the second. Not to mention all the Post-Its between the stones that have to be recycled. But since it’s all on a hilltop, he might want to make it a launchpad for Space X.”

“What about Palestine?”

“I guess he could get both, two-for-one. Cheap, too, since no one else is bidding. But you’d have to be crazy to buy both Israel and Palestine. It’s like buying Russia and Ukraine.”

“Eritrea and Ethiopia.”

“Texas and Massachusetts. Elon is nuts, but he’s not crazy.”

“What else is Elon looking to buy at this tag sale, Aussie?”

“He’d like Facebook only so that he could call it Face-X. Google for the same reason, but I told him it’s hard to say Xoogle. Once he gets to Mars he’ll want to buy Mars.”

“Why, Auss? People can’t live on Mars.”

“That’s what makes it the perfect place for driverless cars. He might also want to buy Taiwan.”

“Why? So that he could hand it on a silver platter to China?”

“Think of the war he’ll prevent. He’ll get a Nobel Peace Prize, though he’ll get that anyway after buying Sweden.”

“Aussie, you don’t have to buy countries in order to have peace.”

“Really? What do you suggest?”

“Peacemaking, Auss.”

“In the long run, much cheaper to buy, believe me. Anyway, Elon has no interest in peacemaking. Like other rich people, he likes to encourage little guys to fight other little guys, By the way, are they selling any porn movies here?”

“Why?”

“Elon says the more X’s the better.”