“What are all these lights doing here?”

“It’s that time of year, Aussie. The time of holidays. Lori loves to put those lights on in her room when the sun’s gone.”

“Right now the sun’s gone most of the time, which means we should rest in darkness. That’s nature, that’s life. Who needs all the light pollution?”

“Nature and life now say it’s 5 degrees outside Fahrenheit. That doesn’t mean we don’t warm up the house, Auss.”

“Just look at the lights in Lori’s room. It’s an attack by Christianity, I tell you. There they go again, missionarizing us. And don’t even think of lighting all those candles during that other holiday.”

“Chanukah?”

“A holiday for 8 days? What were those Jews thinking, nobody works around here? Who has holidays for 8 days? Each day it’s another candle, and another candle, and another candle. Enough already!”

“Aussie, when have you become so anti-religion?”

“I feel attacked on all sides. A couple of days ago was the pagan holiday of winter solstice. Just look at the remains of the bonfire they lit two nights ago when it was 0 degrees. They sat on those chairs and tree stumps, and they all died.”

“Aussie, when it’s this cold the dark skies are so clear you could see more stars than usual. It’s a chance to reconnect deeply with the seasons. Farmers know that with the light beginning to come back, it’s time to think about planting. Some people will start plants indoors. Reminders of light and hope.”

“I don’t want reminders of light and hope.”

“It’s also a reminder that everything passes, Aussie.”

“Passes away, you mean. I bet all those sitting round that circle froze to death. I feel attacked by religions right and left. The Christians come at you with midnight masses, trees with lights, and lots and lots of songs. By the way, who’s Carol? And why are there so many of her?”

“Aussie, you—”

“Jews come at you with candles that one of these days will burn the house down. Can’t you get electrical candles?”

“Not a chance.”

“Then we’re attacked by Kwanzaa. More candles.”

“That’s an African tradition, Aussie.”

“In Africa they have sun and heat right now, not ice and snow like we do. We’re celebrating their summer festival in our winter. I call that reverse imperialism. And then there’s the attack by the Buddhists.”

“What do we do?”

“Buddha’s Enlightenment Day. You sit around and do nothing, that’s what you do!”

“And that bothers you?”

“Silence is the worst by far. There’s no good food, nobody to walk with me, nobody to talk to me. It’s a very aggressive holiday.”

“Because you don’t get attention?”

“It’s passive/aggressive. Looks nice, feels peaceful, but sometimes it causes you to be late with my breakfast. I’m telling you, December is a time of religious warfare.”

“Religions fighting each other?”

“No, religions fighting us unbelievers. Comes December and we’re surrounded! There’s no place to run. Christian carols, Jewish songs, African music, and Buddhist silence.”

“Aussie, these are holy days. They’re meant to restore your faith.”

“In what, Amazon? All these celebrations and symbols, all these blessings and gifts, all these wishes for a happy holiday, everybody smiling and happy. I hate it.”