In a recent blog post I wrote that life loves us unconditionally, but that our love for ourselves is often filled with conditions. I don’t love the snow any less when today’s rainstorm melts most of it, creating mud instead. Snow is snow, rain is rain, mud is mud, no problem. I don’t get disappointed by the snow even when it becomes ice, given the freeze we’re expecting. I have to be careful on the ice, but am aware that things change properties as circumstances change.

So why is it hard for me to care for myself in the same way? Why do self-respect and self-care begin to sink if I don’t sit or walk the dogs or fill the birdfeeders or write?

I shared that someone in our workshop on aging reminded us of how important it is to love ourselves as we get older, if only because the rest of our culture doesn’t. The hair gets gray, the body sags, energy lessens, and the ads that cross my computer screen are all about supplements and medications. Not for beautiful clothes and jewelry, not for travel opportunities and adventure, as if all I’m good for is to be kept alive, grudgingly.

Sorry, say I when I see those ads, I ain’t dead yet. And I’ve not given up on love; if anything, I care more about it than before, including loving my own self.

So much of our love is based on conditions: If you’re attractive; if you’re smart, if you’re healthy, if you’re interesting, even intriguing. If you’re a spiritual practitioner, if you care about this world, if you care about God. If if if if if.

What is it to love without ifs? Without conditions? I don’t know, but the process of living can remove one layer after another, one ingredient after another, till what remains?

I thought I was loveable because I’m strong and dependable. And now? I thought I was loveable because I have a good imagination and love to laugh. And now? I thought people would care for me because I’m a decent teacher and writer. And now?

Life strips away layer after layer, skin after skin. Tell me: In the end, what is there to love? Perhaps nothing identifiable, nothing even nameable, and yet love persists. Who or what do we love then?

“It’s just this one life and we all share it,” Bernie said.

You were fun, you were pretty, you liked to travel and work hard, you were a great sex partner, a terrific companion, empathic, kind, nuts in a good way. These characteristics are conditions, and even the most irrepressible will change. My friend with Alzheimer’s still likes to crack jokes about Uncle Al (when she remembers), and after we laugh together, she’ll say ruefully: “See, I still know how to joke about things, right?” I agree reassuringly—and I know that that, too, will change. And I will love her.

Who, what, do I love at the bottom of it all? And if that spark doesn’t just respond to conditions, what else is it responding to?

Here is a link for a list of over 70 Christmas gifts for children of immigrant families who live nearby. Jimena sent it to me, and I inserted it into the Amazon list format last night. There has been illness in her family and the biggest gift to her is that it seems to be on the mend even as she continues to give care (“I am even cooking,” she said to me on the phone and laughed her big laugh).

These families are beginning their hungry months, when there’s little work and high heating bills. Games and holiday toys for children are lower on their list of needs; in fact, as I wrote before, they will need help with food gift cards for the end of the year due to schools being closed, and we have the funds to supply them thanks to you.

Please consider buying a Christmas gift from the list attached. They will be delivered to Jimena, and then her family will lovingly wrap each gift and deliver it to the right child, the right family.

Previously, we tried to hold the gifts to $20, but this is our 5^th year and inflation has taken its bite, so we upped it to $25. Kids being kids, some still asked for make-up kits, smart watches, soccer balls and nets, toy cars and dinosaurs (perennial favorites) that went a bit over, but there are enough that are under $25, too. If you can buy one or more, you will make someone very happy.

As I copied it onto Amazon last night, I smiled a lot at the toys and games (mostly electronic) that kids ask for nowadays. I imagined their faces as they unwrap the gifts on Christmas Eve or Day, the rushing around to show their friends, the spark in their eyes that they think is all about Pokemon, kids’ cameras, earrings and art supplies, but that I believe at its base is about something else entirely. All these different dharmas, all these infinite, colorful flecks and baubles of unstoppable creation.

You don’t have to put in an address, items on the list will be delivered to Jimena directly. If you have any questions, please email me at eve@zenpeacemakers.com. Here is the link again.

Thank you so much for your kindness to these children, their parents, and to me, who bears witness to life’s generosity hour after hour, moment after moment.