“You know, Aussie, I often want Henry to go away.”

“Finally, you’re getting some sense into you.”

“I try to work, and he jumps on my lap. Or else he brings me one of his eternal stuffed toys to play with; he’s so hungry for attention. Yesterday he did the same thing, and suddenly I hear a small voice saying to me deep inside: You think your blog is important? Your teaching, your words, all the various things you do? Maybe none of that matter. Maybe the reason you’re alive is to play with Henry.”

“How did you ever get such a stupid voice inside you?”

“Aussie, it stopped me cold. I mean, here I am, full of energy and activity, loving to explore new things, and suddenly I’m faced with the possibility that the reason I’m alive is to play with that little dog, who’s not even my dog.”

“Did it speak in Spanish? Commie voices speak in Spanish.”

“Aussie, none of us really know who we are or what we’re here to do in the world.”

“Please. You’re not the smartest human I’ve ever met, but even you have something better to do with your life than play with the Illegal Chihuahua.”

“How do you know, Auss? Do you know what you’re doing here on earth?”

“Of course I do. To eat Honest Kitchen’s Crispy Cod and Strawberry Dog Treats hold the strawberries, or Puppery’s Natural Salmon, or Brutus’s Freeze-Dried Minnows. I’m on a fish diet till Thanksgiving. I know what I’m here on earth to do, and it ain’t taking care of Henry, who’s so full of himself.”

“Who else should he be full of, Aussie, you?”

“I wouldn’t fit.”

“Aussie, the only way we know what we’re here on earth to do depends on what arises. If Henry jumps on my lap and wants a cuddle, then that moment, maybe that’s what I’m here on earth to do.”

“If Henry were to jump on me, there would be no maybe about it. I would know that I’m here on earth to bite him.”

“So when Henry jumps on my lap, I could decide to play with him, or to yell at him to get off. Do you suppose, Aussie, that that’s what they mean by free will?”

“Yup. My free will is to bite him every single time: Don’t even think of it, Chihuahua.”

“If you inevitably bite him every single time, is that free will, Aussie?”

“Why not? Just because I don’t overthink things like you doesn’t mean I don’t have free will. I show my free will by biting Henry whenever he bothers me. You show your free will by sometimes playing with him and sometimes telling him to get off. You use your free will to wobble; that’s why you lost the election.”

“I don’t wobble, Aussie, I’m just not very consistent. One moment I choose to do one thing, another moment I make a different choice entirely, all depending on what comes up. I call that being free. I call that being spontaneous.”

“I call that being wishy-washy.”

“How do we know what’s really important in life, Auss? We talk about finding God or finding love, inventing something nobody’s ever seen before or creating something beautiful. But we don’t know how important any of that really is. It could be that throwing that orange and blue ball for the Chihuahua is the single most important thing I could do, that in the final, incalculable analysis, taking into account infinite motivations and behaviors, that one little act will prove to be the only thing I’ve ever done that’s worth a damn.”

“That, and introducing me to Pawpaw’s Freeze-Dried Raw Duck Neck Pieces with Cheddar.”

“In the Jewish tradition, Aussie, we say that that’s what’ll get you into heaven. Not the grand gestures or the big accomplishments, but something you never thought was important. What do you think will get you into heaven, Auss?”

“Getting the Man back into the White House, where he belongs.”

“Maybe it’s rolling on the dry leaves under the sun, your four legs up in the air, giving yourself a massage. You look so happy then. Oh Aussie, we really have no idea what we’re here on earth to do. It could be the most trivial thing imaginable, something that I consider to be a waste of time. We’ve got to listen to those very quiet voices. Not the voices of headlines or preachers or social media, our own quiet voice.”

“When Henry jumps on me, a quiet voice tells me to bite him. But then, another quiet voice speaks up inside.”

“I knew it! What does that voice say, Aussie?”

“Bite him again! And then another quiet, soft, mysterious voice speaks to me deep inside, where no one can hear. And that voice tells me to—”

“I got it, Auss, I got it. Thanks for sharing.”