“Henry has a frog dangling under his chin.”

“I suggested to Lori that she tie that frog to his collar, that way it doesn’t get lost.”

“I don’t understand, Aussie. The whole point of having the frog—and a hundred other stuffed animal toys—is that Henry brings it to us, we throw it somewhere, he fetches it and brings it back.”

“It takes too much work. You have to pick up the toy—if he lets you. Then you have to throw it. He runs to get it, throws it around in the air like the estupido he is, and brings it to you. This way the frog is wherever Henry is. No need to look for it, no need to bend down and throw it, no need for him to fetch it, everybody’s happy.”

“But Aussie, what’s the game?”

“Game?”

“The whole point of having the frog in the house is to make out of it a game for Henry.”

“Games and toys are inefficient, a waste of everybody’s time.”

“Who says, Aussie?”

“Muskaswamy.”

“Who’s Muskaswamy?”

“Elon Musk and Vivek Ramaswamy, who head the Man’s new Department of Doggone Government Efficiency. DODGE for short. I kinda liked Department of Government.”

“Because the acronym is DOG?”

“No, because it’s more efficient. The fewer the words, the better, every dog knows that. Muskaswamy is my name for both of them. I mean, half my life will be gone if I say Ramaswamy each time I refer to Ramaswamy. Are all Indian names that inefficient?”

“Names don’t have to be efficient, Aussie.”

“Call me Auss. Everything has to be efficient. Who needs Aussie if there’s Auss? Who needs Lori if there’s Lor? Who needs Eve if there’s—never mind. And who needs Henry if there’s—who needs Henry under any circumstance?”

“Auss, they want to let go of thousands of government employees.”

“Good riddance, I say. Muskaswamy will cancel lots of regulations first. In fact, it’s time we did that right here in this house.”

“Like what, Auss?”

“Who says Illegal and I have to eat just twice a day? Who wrote up that regulation? If you leave food in the bowls, neither you nor Lor have to come to the kitchen twice a day to feed us. We cut down your hours. Can’t you see that, for God’s sake?”

“Since when do you believe in God, Aussie?”

“I believe in anyone with a short name. Look at what Trump’s managed to do with just one syllable. Or Vance, for that matter. Is it any wonder they won?”

“Aussie—”

“Auss—”

“I’m calling you Aussie.”

“There you go. Choose between short and sweet, or long and drawn out, and what do you choose?”

“How about we forget your daily walks, Aussie? That’ll free up lots of time.”

“How about you open up the fence and let me walk whenever I want? How about you stop sitting in the morning? I mean, what’s productive about just sitting there?”

“Nothing, Aussie.”

“That’s why Muskaswamy is canceling the Dept. of the Interior.”

“How about daily showers, Aussie?”

“A serious waste of time. You’ve been endowed with an individual smell, you got it for free. And then you ruin it with a shower? With a smelly smell you don’t need a name. Also, you don’t need to do laundry.”

“Cooking, Aussie?”

“Only meat protein, none of those woke veggies or whole grains—you know how long it takes to cook that stuff? And don’t forget, an empty refrigerator is a clean refrigerator, so don’t waste time with shopping or cooking, all you need is a couple of Big Macs every day.”

“Sitting in the sun in the back yard before it turns cold?”

“Do you see Muskaswamy sitting in the sun? They’re too busy being productive. We can get rid of entire departments in this house.”

“What departments, Aussie?”

“The Department of Education, for starters. Stop training the Illegal Chihuahua, he’s going to be deported, along with half the children in California.”

“Health and Human Services in Washington?”

“A waste of time, seeing you’re all going extinct.”

“Homeland Security?”

“They’ve got me, haven’t they?”

“Department of State?”

“What’s that?”

“The Department of State develops relationships with other countries, Aussie.”

“Nothing less productive than relationships, or a greater waste of time. Speaking of which, you know how you like to come over last thing at night when you close up the house and pet me a little, say good night, tell me you love me? Stop doing that, you’re waking me up from a hard-earned sleep.”

“What about if I stop giving you belly rubs, Aussie? That’s the biggest waste of time in the world.”

“Don’t even think of it. Belly rubs are excellent for circulation. They stimulate hair growth, lower blood pressure, strengthen bones, remove plaque from my teeth, and prevent syphilis.”

“Muskaswamy says that?”

“No, Bobby Kennedy.”