“Can I ask you a political question?”

“You can ask me anything, Aussie.”

“Do immigrants eat illegal pets?”

“Not you too, Aussie! I can’t believe you’re so ignorant. First of all, the maniac you call The Man referred to people from Haiti, not immigrants, though he seems to hate immigrants generally. His accusation that Haitians eat pets has been mocked everywhere!”

“Yes, but what about illegal pets? Like Henry, the illegal Chihuahua?”

“First of all, Henry is not an illegal Chihuahua. Henry came from somewhere around Pittsfield, about 50 miles from here. You, on the other hand, were picked up some place 80 miles north of Houston, Texas, a lot farther away. Pittsfield is still Massachusetts, still the US of A. Henry is not an immigrant and certainly not illegal.”

“I understand why it’s not right to eat regular pets, God-loving, law-abiding American dogs like me, but why not illegal ones? It’s easier than shipping them across the border. Think of the distance those trucks have to travel. Think how many stops they have to make to let illegal pets do their thing—which I’m not sure illegals know how to do. Think of all that dogfood!”

“Actually, Aussie, that’s how you came to us from Texas.”

“Not to mention that they sneak back across the border the minute our backs are turned. I say it’s a big waste of effort and it’s certainly not energy-efficient, just think of all that diesel! This is a cause for climate activists!”

“What nonsense, Aussie! This is over the top even for you.”

“Now, what happens if we eat illegal pets?”

“Like Henry?”

“Well, let’s take Henry. I’m not saying it has to be Henry, just using the Illegal Chihuahua as an example. I shake him up by the scruff of his neck, so I do the killing and you do the sautéing. First, you skin him—”

“I can’t have this conversation, Aussie.”

“—and don’t worry, it can be done outdoors because it’s cool enough now. Then you have to put him in the oven. Don’t debone ahead of time, he’ll dry out. He’s a little fat so you could even put him under the broiler, or else for hours in a warm oven. No, it has to be the broiler, otherwise the smell will stay in the house all day. Now, how do you like your illegal pet?”

“Alive and kicking, Aussie!”

“I like him well done myself, otherwise just think of the parasites. You can add some salsa; I prefer my illegal pet straight, don’t need no sauce.”

“Aussie, you’ve been living with Henry for over 4 years. How can you talk like this?”

“This is my best idea ever! Think of all the money Lori will save: No more special food costs, no more vets, no more medications. No more maniacal barking that makes all of us deaf, so no more expensive hearing aids. No more money spent on Pinkys and Huberts and green gorillas. Pet population, which threatens the wellbeing of the entire planet, goes way down. Besides, you like Mexican food.”

“Aussie, please shut up.”

“What’s your preference, Salsa Roja or Verde?”

“Neither.”

“I just don’t want those pointy ears and the tail, and the whatchamacallit from between his legs. D’you think it would qualify as compost?”

“I’d rather compost you, Aussie. I can’t imagine any dog of mine talking like this. And to think that you were homeless when we got you from the shelter! You don’t have an ounce of empathy in you.”

“Didn’t you tell me that native people thank the animal that gives up its life so that they could eat, like the Lakota with buffalo? If you want, you could say Grace ahead of the meal and thank Henry for giving up his life so that we don’t starve.”

“Only we’re not starving, Aussie.”

“Think of what state dinners will be like when The Man takes his rightful place in the White House. When Trudeau comes from Canada, we’ll have nuked Newfie, Bichon Fricassee for Macron, and when Xi comes, Shar-pei on toast. Pasta Chow Chow anyone?”

“Aussie, stop!”

“Par-boiled Pug? Terrine of Terrier? Seared Schnauzer?”

“That’s it, Aussie. Not one more word out of you. I have never heard anything so cruel, nasty and perverse in my entire life.”

“That’s because you don’t watch television. You should listen to The Man more often.”