ANTISEMITISM

“Aussie, I can’t believe what I just bought.”

“Get me out of this car. I’m ashamed! How could you ever agree to this?”

“As you know, Aussie—”

“I can’t take the smell!”

“—I wasn’t eating much because I was sick, but this morning my stomach turned to me and said, ‘Eve, I’m hungry.’ ‘Oh yeah?’ I say. ‘Where’ve you been?’”

“You think your stomach disappeared because you haven’t eaten much? Looked down recently?”

“So I tell my belly, ‘Okay, what do you feel like having?’ and it said—”

“Sirloin! Foie gras!”

“Actually, Auss, it said ‘Jewish food.’ Lox and a schmear of cream cheese on bagel.”

“Sirloin would have been better.”

“I have to drive down to Amherst for that, so I go downstairs and ask Lori and her sister if they want me to get them something.”

“They didn’t say Sirloin by some chance, did they?”

“Aussie, I’m embarrassed to tell you what they said.”

“I think I can smell it.”

“Two raisin cinnamon bagels—”

“Ugggh! Vomit vomit!”

“And—”

“I don’t want to know!”

“—Honey Walnut cream cheese.”

“That’s the smell that’s in the car! Let me off right this minute.”

“Aussie, we just have to handle it a little longer till we get home.”

“I’m never going on a ride with you again.”

“Meanwhile, I put my sesame bagel with garlic/herb cream cheese and Nova in the opposite corner of the car trunk, far away from what they ordered.”

“But not far enough from me. Sweet bagels and sweet cream cheese? In a Jewish bagel store? Vomit-vomit.”

“Try not to smell it, Aussie.”

“Listen, I have nostrils behind my nostrils. This ride is killing me! You know what I think? Lori’s an antisemite.”

“Lori? Who’s been living with us for several years and is still recovering from her accident? Come on, Auss, you love Lori.”

“Not anymore. Anyone who orders raisin cinnamon bagels with honey walnut cream cheese is an antisemite. Do you add honey to garlic bread? Raisins to a California Roll? Do you add cinnamon to pesto gnocchi? Sugar to Tandoori Chicken? Peking Duck? Of course not. Don’t want to antagonize any of them, especially the Chinese—nobody wants to antagonize the Chinese. But bagels and cream cheese have to suffer, and you know why? Because they don’t care about our food, in fact, they’re colonizing it! With honey, cinnamon, walnuts, and raisins.”

“Aussie, nobody in our home is an antisemite.”

“Everybody around us is an antisemite. Look at Henry.”

“Henry, the one you call the Illegal Chihuahua?”

“Don’t let those sweet big eyes fool you, evil thoughts exist everywhere. Look at Boris.”

“The monster black bear?”

“Why is he still coming to our back yard and destroying the dog fence that doesn’t keep me in? All we have are three hummingbird feeders out, sugar water!”

“He must like sugar water, Aussie.”

“Another one with the sugar. No self-respecting bear likes sugar water. Boris comes to terrorize us because he’s an antisemite.”

“That’s plain silly, Aussie.”

“Let me ask you this: Does he visit the Kings above us?”

“I haven’t heard.”

“Why? Because they ain’t Jewish. Does he visit Mohammad next door?”

“I saw Mohammad yesterday and he didn’t say anything about Boris.”

“Of course he doesn’t terrorize Mohammad. They’re two of a kind.”

“Mohammad is a professor emeritus, Aussie.”

“I don’t know what you’d do if you didn’t have me on guard duty every night.”

“I’d sleep better because your snores wouldn’t keep me up.”

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