A NEW BUSINESS

“Look, Aussie, we received over $1700 to send immigrant kids to summer camp this year. People sent in money; I think we’ll get more. I’m grateful and thrilled. We’re halfway there. Aren’t you excited?”

“A new roof for the house, a new car for you—”

“It’s nine years old, Auss.”

“—and now money for camp.”

“That’s a whole other bank account, Aussie.”

“Is there any money left over for me?”

“What do you need money for, Auss?”

“I must get registered with New England Service Dog Trainers. I need money for the fee, do the course, and get certified as a service dog as fast as I can.”

“You, Aussie, a service dog? A non sequitur if ever I heard one.”

“You’ve got me all wrong. I’m caring, loving, and kind. I’m all into service.”

“You never showed any interest in becoming a service dog before.”

“That’s when you had the bright idea of taking me to visit hospitals and nursing homes.”

“So where do you want to go, Aussie?”

“With the Man. I heard that if Donald Trump is sentenced to go to prison, the Secret Service is going with him.”

“Why?”

 “Think of all the criminals who’re out to off him.”

“Do you suppose they’ll share a cell? Will they be in adjoining cells? A suite? They can put him in a cell with MSNBC and NPR on 24 hours a day.”

“That would be torture under international convention. But hearing about the Secret Service gave me the idea. As a service dog, I can go to prison with him. Think of all the fun we’ll have. He’ll have his private chef, for sure. No prison food for my Man and no kibble for me. A miniature golf course for daytime activity and bagfulls of dog treats.”

“You mean, under all that cash he’ll smuggle in.”

“And of course, I’ll be his guard dog.”

“Aussie, he’ll be surrounded by prison guards and Secret Service.”

“Yes, but who’ll guard the Amazon boxes full of top-secret documents? Were Secret Service people any good there? That’ll be my job. If DOJ sends agents to pick them up, I’ll snarl and show my teeth: Just try it, Merrick!

“Aussie, Donald Trump never showed any interest in dogs in the White House, or anywhere else, for that matter.”

“Wait till I start digging a couple of tunnels. I took lessons from Hamas. He could use one to go see Melania, and another to go to the next cell to play poker with the Secret Service. I’ll help him cheat.”

“Why, Aussie?”

“Because if he’s in prison and not in the White House, how will he make any money? But it’ll be no problem. The Man will buy the prison.”

“What’s he going to call it?”

“Trump Cooler. It’ll be a big money-maker for us. Too many hotels and apartment buildings are trying to get rid of the Trump name, but we’ll start a whole new business: Trump Coolers. World-class Penal Colonies for billionaires and up. Bitcoin accepted. No riffraff allowed. We’ll dress up the guards as doormen, nobody’ll notice.”

“Aussie, Aussie.”

“What a business opportunity! People will die to get in. Every state will have a Trump Cooler. Medium-security for immigrants, maximum-security for Democrats and Anthony Fauci.”

“Aussie, I raised you to be ethical, a lover of all beings.”

“It was a very dull education, but don’t worry. We’ll finish every day with a reading from the Trump Bible and a request for donations.”

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