UPGRADE THIS HUMAN!

The following is based on actual events.

“Okay, get in.”

“What do you mean, get in? I’m going home.”

“Listen, dog, you’re lost.”

“Name’s Aussie, and who says I’m lost?”

“We say it, and we’re the local police. You’re walking on a public road.”

“I’m a member of the public, too.”

“Listen, dog, you’re lost and I’m taking you to a shelter. How did you end up here, on 63?”

“We were walking a few miles down, by Cabot Camp, and—”

“Who’s we? Your owner and you?”

“Puh-lease. I have no owner; I am not a slave. A few of us were walking peacefully on the road—”

“On leash, I hope?”

“Don’t be ridiculous, do I look to you like a leashed dog?”

“You sure have a mouth on you.”

“Like I said, we were walking all peaceful like, talking about peaceful topics like—”

“The weather? Starting the garden?”

“—the Middle East, Gaza, Ukraine, you know, when I saw something awful and chased it.”

“What was it?”

“A gang of turkeys. Wild. Evil. Criminal!”

“What did you do?”

“I chased them down, like any good citizen. They’re the ones you should arrest instead of a peace-loving MAGA enthusiast like me. Don’t you also believe that 2020 was stolen?”

“So that’s how you got lost! OK, hop into the car. We’re taking you in.”

“I’m in, I’m in. Your back seat has no blanket, I’m telling my lawyer. You police have a reputation for brutality, I’m watching you.”

“Great. We like dogs who’re grateful to be picked up when they’re lost.”

“I’m not lost and if I was, I’d never choose you to be my chauffeurs. Your uniforms aren’t bad, though. Where were you on January 6, may I ask?”

“Belt yourself in.”

“Never. You know, the Senora says that sometimes it’s good to get lost.”

“Who’s the Senora, someone illegal?”

“No, but feel free to deport her anyway. She’s my human, whom I’ve spent years training but is she grateful no she’s not. She says that when we get lost, we might run into something unexpected. I never thought she meant the cops.”

“Are you licensed?”

“You can’t license doghood.”

“Are you up-to-date on your rabies shot?”

“I bit the vet when she tried to give it to me, so ask her if she got sick. Listen, I was well on my way home when you stopped me on the road.”

“Are you kidding? If you were anywhere near Cabot Camp, you’ve been walking for miles.”

“The Senora says I could find my way home from Canada. Where’s Canada?”

“We’re not taking any chances, you’re going into the Franklin County Animal Shelter. They’ll call your owner, but our feeling is she’ll say Good Riddance! and leave you there, ha ha ha.”

“Very funny. Maybe I don’t want to go home, did you consider that? Maybe it’s time to upgrade my human. You upgrade your car, your phone, your equipment. I want an upgraded human.”

“What’s that?”

“Someone who COOKS for her dog. Someone who leaves holes in the fence for spontaneous escapades. Someone who never talks back, lets me jump into the passenger seat of the car, and who hates Chihuahuas.”

“What’s wrong with Chihuahuas? I have one at home.”

“A Chihuahua police dog? Now I’ve heard everything. THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOU LIVE IN A BLUE STATE LIKE MASSACHUSETTS. Can I jump into the front seat?”

“There are two of us here, do you see any space?”

“We could change seats. You sit in back and I’ll sit in front.”

“Dream on, dog.”

“Did you ever hear of Rosa Parks? She made history by demanding to sit in front. I know my rights! Just because I’m black.”

“Nothing to do with what color you are.”

“I hate cops.”

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