IMPEACHMENT

“Aussie, go take a nap.”

“Uh-uh.”

“Henry, stop throwing Norman the Narwhal around and settle down.”

“Claro que no.”

“I beg your pardon? What’s gotten into the two of you?”

“Henry and I met for a confab, held a vote, and decided to impeach you. It was 2-0, unanimous.”

“Say, what?”

“You’re impeached, Senora.”

“Done. Kaput. Lock up the office and go.”

“Excuse me, but aren’t you the one that calls Henry the Illegal Chihuahua? Illegals can’t vote, Aussie.”

“I was hoping you wouldn’t notice that. Nevertheless, I am a full-blooded American dog, I can vote, and I just gave you the boot.”

“What does that mean?”

“You can’t tell us what to do anymore, Senora. You have no authority in this house.”

“Not that you ever really did, hee hee hee. You know all that obedience training we did to get our Good Canine Citizenship certificates?”

“That was just to fool you, Senora. We pretended to obey, but all the time we were planning a coup-d’état.”

“What’s with all this impeachment business, dogs? Republicans want to impeach Biden, they’ve already impeached Homeland Secretary Mayorkas, though he didn’t go anywhere from what I could see.”

“You’re the ones who started the impeachment epidemic. You know what you did to the Man—a record two impeachments! Not a bone of sympathy anywhere; at least we get a bone on Sundays. The Man? Nothing 7 days a week. Not a scrap of pity, not a sliver of compassion. Well, two can play the same game. Or three. You’re impeached, finished. You’ll make history—not a lot of dog owners have been impeached by their own dogs.”

“But what’s my offense, guys?”

“Let me count the ways: Kibble. Only 2 hours of walks a day. Only 2 days with my guru, Leeann. Turkey once a year on Thanksgiving. Steak only on my birthday. A fence around the yard—”

“You get through that fence whenever you want, Aussie.”

“An unmaintained fence. Too many snow and rain days with no walks. Endangering my health and wellbeing!”

“When?”

“Taking me for walks close to shooting ranges.”

“There are shooting ranges where we live, I can’t help that.”

“Making me wear bright orange. You know how I hate orange!”

“That’s for your protection during hunting season, Aussie.”

“Excuses excuses. Go get a lawyer.”

“Nothing you have said is an impeachable offence, Aussie.”

“You haven’t heard Henry yet. Go, Illegal.”

“Not throwing Norman around for me to retrieve.”

“A hundred times a day is not enough?”

“Closing the door on me in the mornings.”

“When I do meditation.”

“Sleeping with me, interspecies cohabitation.”

“Only when Lori’s not here.”

“Talking to me in English, a foreign language.”

“I’ve never heard of anything so ridiculous in my life. Dogs don’t impeach humans.”

“Patriarchy! Hierarchy!”

“Snarky barky! Malarkey!”

“From the road to the river—”

“We will not forgive ‘er.”

“From the river to the road—”

“We will be unbowed.”

“And always love pie a la mode.”

“Okay, got it. No more authority. No more Aussie, get over here! Or Henry, stop throwing Norman into my coffee!

“You got it. Now, go get dinner.”

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