ABU HUNTER

“Look at these trees, Aussie. The snow usually falls off the trees within a few days, but not this time.”

“How come you’re looking at them so funny? You’re not looking straight ahead, you keep on turning your head from one side to another.”

“My vision is skewed, Aussie. The eye that had cataract surgery is clear while the other is blurry. Once they operate on my second eye the vision will be restored, but not right now.”

“That’s the best trick in the world. If you want to see something, look right. If you don’t want to see it, look left. I love that trick, but I have a better one. If I want to see something, I open my eyes. If I don’t want to see something, I close them. I don’t even have to go under the knife!”

“Laser, Aussie, not knife.”

“Whenever Henry shows up, I shut my eyes. Soon as he’s gone, I open them. When we go to the House of Horrors—”

“The vet, Aussie?”

“—I shut my eyes the entire time. I need my own seeing eye dog. Hee hee hee! And just watch me whenever Abu Hunter shows up on the screen.”

“Abu who?”

“Abu Hunter. In Arabic, Abu means father of, so I call him Abu Hunter. I always knew he was a terrorist.”

“Aussie, don’t you believe in changing your mind?”

“Never.”

“Malcolm Gladwell said that he changes his mind all the time. He said: ‘If you don’t contradict yourself regularly, then you’re not thinking.’ That’s why we need both eyes, Aussie. If we keep one side clear and the other side blurry, we only get a partial view.”

“Or no view, if you keep both eyes closed, like me. I got a great idea. Do you think I could train Henry to be my seeing-eye dog? Hee hee hee!”

“What an interesting thought, Aussie. That way you could keep your eyes closed if you don’t want to see anything especially challenging—”

“Like Abu Hunter!”

“—or vexing. There’s one thing though, Auss. You have to let Henry guide you. You have to follow wherever he goes.”

“Follow a chihuahua? Me?”

“Think of it, Auss. There’s you, 55 pounds—”

“Hopefully on my way to 80!”

“—guided by Henry at 15 pounds. Don’t forget, with eyes closed, you have to follow him. No veering from side to side.”

“Not even right?”

“That’s the beauty of using a seeing-eye dog, Aussie. My brother-in-law helps to train them. It helps to be open and curious, and you have to have lots of trust.”

“In Henry? The Illegal Chihuahua? You know where he’ll take me? The Border Wall!”

“Mexico is a long way off, don’t be silly.”

“He’ll take me to the courts, he’ll take me to English classes and fiestas, he’ll take me to the Center for New Americans. Me, a Texas dog, at the Center for New Americans! I’ll never live it down.”

“Mexican restaurants?”

“I hate tacos.”

“Then maybe you can’t use Henry as your seeing-eye dog, Aussie. Or Donald Trump, for that matter.”

“The Great Man is not a seeing-eye dog.”

“I think he is for some. He tells you what to think and how to vote, and you think and do just what he says.”

“(Sigh) I’d follow him anywhere!”

“Aussie, in Zen we say that often, the person you have the most trouble with is your best teacher because he or she helps you see the things you are most attached to.”

“So is Donald Trump your best teacher?”

“He’s pretty good, Auss. He’s pretty good.”

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