Aussie watching out for Boris

“Aussie, Lori is not going to be here this weekend. That means we have to work together to deter Boris.”

“Boris Humongous?”

“I mean Boris the-biggest-bear-I’ve-ever-seen who has come to our home night after night, including the last three nights in a row.”

“Boris Humongous who went into the garage, threw down the barrel with the birdseed, opened it up and cleaned us out? Boris Humongous who destroyed five birdfeeders, ruined our fence, and left the biggest dump I ever saw in our back yard?”

“The very one. Where are you going, Aussie?”

“I’m going after Lori.”

“Oh Auss, don’t be like that. Boris is a big bear who’s just woken up from a deep sleep and, like you in the mornings, he’s hungry.”

“Not worry about a hungry 400-pound monster?”

“Now Aussie, black bears like Boris eat a lot of berries, roots, and plants.”

“Did you see how it looked at Henry a couple of nights ago? We offered him a Mexican tapa, and did he say: No thanks, I’m a vegetarian?

“Boy, was that scary!”

 “It would have served Henry right, rushing out the garage door and barking so insanely he didn’t even see Boris till he was practically on top of him. We almost got rid of Henry right then and there, no need to call ICE, only you yelled so hard that Boris turned towards you and Henry got away. He would have gone after you, too, if not for the glass office door that you slinked behind.”

“Are you accusing me of being a coward, Aussie?”

“Please point me in the direction Lori went. I’ll start chasing her after dinner.”

“Speaking of slinking, Aussie, who turned around and ran back into the living room when I asked you where Boris went?”

“Let’s get this straight. I’m the one who alerts you whenever Boris visits. You, Lori, and Henry are asleep upstairs in your rooms, leaving me downstairs to give the alert. I start barking like a maniac and you and Lori rush downstairs. You stand behind the glass door in your office, in your stupid pink pajamas, looking from right to left, trying to see Boris in the dark, which is like trying to see a crow in the nighttime.”

“A tunnel inside a tunnel.”

“Black ants on black beans”

“Black squirrels drinking Coca-Cola.”

“Greek olives amidst blackberries.”

“That’s why I asked you to go out onto the steps, Aussie. I knew you’d sniff Boris out right away, and that would tell me where he went. And what did you do?”

“What any self-respecting, intelligent dog would do. I made a sharp U-turn and went back into the living room.”

“A profile in courage.”

“And what did you do? You stood there behind the door while brave, defenseless Lori went out with the soup pot and banged on it with a wooden spoon. That’s what I call grit! That’s what I call courage! Boris climbed up a tree, jumped off, hopped over the fence and skedaddled. Too bad he took the fence down with him.”

“I don’t have good vision, Aussie, I can’t see Boris unless you point him out to me.”

“I don’t believe in obeying stupid orders.”

“I’m the human here, Aussie, you’re the dog. Do as you’re told.”

“You ever hear of Nuremberg?”

“Seriously, Aussie, Lori is not around this weekend, so it’s Boris against you and me.”

“We’re dead in the water. Or in Boris’s belly.”

“We can handle him, Auss.”

“I’d suggest throwing Henry at him, but he may not like Mexican.”

“This is what we’ll do, Aussie. I’ll prepare the soup pan and the wooden spoon by the back door and keep the motion-sensor light on in back. You watch for Boris all night, and the minute you start barking I’ll run down—”

“In your pink pajamas?”

“—grab the soup pot and spoon, rush out of the garage and bang bang bang. But you have to tell me where Boris is, I can’t see in the dark. Whatever you do, don’t run back to the living room.”

“Me? I’ll run upstairs.”

“Oh, Aussie.”

“Without Lori we’re bear cuisine tonight. Boris will eat us all. That’s why we have to support Ukraine with everything we got.”

“Ukraine, Aussie? What’s Ukraine got to do with anything?”

“Boris? Ukraine? Still don’t get it? Simple. After it eats us, it’ll eat Ukraine. After it eats Ukraine, it’ll eat the world.”

“That’s the silliest thing I ever heard, Aussie. In fact, it’s that kind of domino theory that got us into a losing war in Vietnam. And don’t slink away, we’ve got work to do.”

“World wars start somewhere. Tonight, it starts with us.”

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