“Don’t jump, Aussie!”

We were walking along Southwest Head, the southern tip of Grand Manan, the Canadian island where we spent a week with friends (was it just last week?).

“Why not? It’s a good day to die.”

“Aussie, you’re not Lakota. Besides, you have everything to live for!”

“Name one.”

“You’ll turn 5 soon. You have your whole life ahead of you.”

“Not if the FBI has anything to do with it.”

“The FBI? Aussie, is there something you’re not telling me?”

“You know those papers they took from the Man’s home a short while ago?”

“You mean the classified documents they got from Trump Castle in Florida? What about them?”

“They name names.”

“What names, Auss?”

“Intelligent operatives.”

“Intelligence operatives?”

“And guess who’s on that list?”

“You, Aussie? Then it can’t be intelligent operatives.”

“And guess with what home address?”

“Mine, Aussie?”

“Those boxes are full of communications between me and him. Mostly genius ideas from me on how to protect the last election.”

“Like what, Auss?”

“All Proud Pooches were under strict orders to bite any human in their household who was not voting for the Man. That accounts for why so many humans ended up in the Emergency Room on Election Day. Also, all Proud Pooches growled and snarled any time Brandon came onscreen.”

“You mean, Biden?”

“Brandon.”

“It’s Biden or no supper tonight.  What else, Auss?”

“I begged the President, BEGGED him, to take me to the White House and walk me up and down the Rose Garden. Almost half of all American humans have a dog. If they just saw me and Trump in front of the White House, he would have won in a landslide. Instead, he won in a landslide.”

“He didn’t win, Aussie.”

“I told him that while his fans loved his yelling, some of the others had no sense of humor. Instead, he should walk me up and down, waving and smiling, having the best time of his life with his best friend. My eyes would have sparkled, I would have wagged my tail, shimmied for the cameras, made him look so good! There would have been no contest.”

“I sure am glad he didn’t listen to you. And while you were having all these top-secret communications, Aussie, did you happen to remember that you’re my dog? That I’ve been feeding, walking, and taking you to Leeann all these years? You were ready to give up our Pioneer Valley woods for the Rose Garden?”

“You think I’m stupid? In a heartbeat. I would have done anything for the Man. I begged, I groveled, I would have licked him all over, but he wouldn’t let me, said I had germs, keep away from Florida. So that’s why the Justice Dept. raided Mar-a-Lago. And now they’re going to come after me.”

“You don’t think his lawyers will protect you?”

“No, he’ll just throw me to the dogs.”

“He’s done that to a lot of people, Aussie. Let this be a lesson to you.”

“How far is it down to the water?”

“It’s low tide, Aussie, you’ll get smashed on the rocks. Don’t be silly, no one is worth your life, especially Donald Trump. Life is precious. Your cousin, Moll, my sister’s dog, just died at the young age of 3-1/2. A massive infection took over her body. They did whatever they could to save her life, but in the end, she was gone. We were all very sad.”

“Was she a Trump supporter?”

“I don’t think so. She lived in Jerusalem and came from a dog shelter in the West Bank.”

“You mean, she was Palestinian? OMG, in our family?”

“You’re sounding like my parents, Aussie.”

“It’s not enough that we have Enrique the Illegal Chihuahua, we also had Palestinians in the family?”

“The world’s changing, Auss.”

“Not if the Man and I have anything to do with it.”

Dedicated to Molly.