Photo by Jon Katz

“Henry, I’m putting Eve up for adoption.”

“What does that mean, Aussie?”

”I’m going to re-home her, as they say in local parlance.”

“Why, Aussie? Don’t you think she’s nice to have around?”

“She was once, Henry, but now she’s getting old. Can’t walk like she used to and costs too much.”

“She walks us a lot, Auss.”

“Slowly, Henry. And we can’t go far on the Robert Frost Trail anymore. I mean, what if she falls?”

“She gets up right away, Aussie.”

“Voice of Doom, Henry: One day she won’t.”

“What’ll you do if that happens, leave her in the woods?”

“Not a bad idea, Henry. Saves on re-homing her. She’s gaining weight, too. I need to cut down her food, put her on a Senior diet.”

“Is there such a thing for humans?”

“Yes, it’s called vegetables. And there are her medical costs. You and I could both go to the moon on what she spends on medical insurance.”

“But she looks so healthy!”

“She is healthy, Henry, but humans are funny that way. They spend a lot of money on what if I get sick? Instead of that, she could be spending money on premium food for us, like Ollie’s Raw Venison with Quail Patties or Hugo’s Fleeceless Sheep No Coloring or Preservatives. She’s also getting senile.”

“You mean she pees on the bathroom rug, Aussie?”

“Not yet, just a matter of time.”

“You mean, the way she sits outside and stares at nothing?”

“A lifelong illness, Henry. They used to put people away for doing that; now they call it religion. No, I mean how she yells at me for no good reason.”

“Like when you’re killing young chipmunks, Aussie?”

“It’s not my fault that they haven’t yet learned about fear, Henry. A faulty upbringing, is what it is. She’s also getting too cuddly for my taste.”

“That’s bad?”

“You betcha. I’m 26% Chow-Chow and Shar-pei. You know what that means?”

“You’re mixed up?”

“No, Henry, I’m Asian. Detached, self-contained, no attachments. If you’re the lovey-dovey type human, keep away. Henry, she invites me into bed with her! How sick is that?”

“I’d jump in a minute, Aussie.”

“There are laws against interspecies cohabitation, Henry. At least, there should be. I’m sick of being abused in this way. Tried to report her to MoiToo, but does anyone listen? Of course, if I want other dogs to adopt her, I can’t tell them about this. As it is, I don’t know who’d take her; she’s no deal.”

“Do you think Percy the Golden might? He’s kind of old, maybe they’ll be a good match.?

“Percy’s got it made. He’s adopted 2 restauranteurs. When I think of what he eats every night I start crying.”

“What about Bruno the whatever? He’s only got one human, maybe he wants two for more company.”

“Why would any normal dog want two humans? One’s enough trouble. I’ve been thinking about it, Henry, and I think I’ll post this on that pine tree over by the railroad tracks, where everybody pees:

Need new home for my long-haired human.

Age: Old. Weight: Excessive. Colors: Sick pink, no spots. Needs lots of grooming.

Answers to Eve but getting deaf. Recently vaccinated. OK with small children but no cats. Housetraining: So far, so good. Not fixed but don’t worry about it.

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