“I feel a lot better, Aussie, now that Joe Biden is in the White House.”
“Oh, yeah? What’s he doing? Anything important?”
“He’s governing, Aussie. Not spending half the day tweeting and the other half watching TV.”
“Joe Biden is anti-capitalist!”
“What makes you say that, Aussie?”
“The vaccine, for one thing.”
“Wait a minute, Auss. Joe Biden finally marshalled the federal resources to get more vaccine distributed to more people. We have hundreds of millions of doses more coming. Even yours truly is going to get the vaccine, my number is up.”
“What number is that?”
“65+. So why is Joe Biden anti-capitalist?”
“Because he’s losing the best opportunity he’ll ever have for promoting his brand.”
“Promoting what, Aussie?”
“His brand. Himself. He’s giving away hundreds of millions of vaccines and he’s not promoting himself. Remember what the Man did with the first stimulus check? At first he held up the checks because he wanted his signature to be on them, and when they couldn’t do that, each check came with a personal letter informing you that the check was from him, from Donald Trump.”
“It wasn’t from him, Aussie.”
“So? What’s truth got to do with capitalism? Here’s Biden handing out all these vaccines. Is his name there? That would have been the first thing on any true capitalist’s mind. There are weird names like Pfizer and Moderna; where’s Biden?”
“What do you suggest, Auss?”
“A true capitalist would have seen to it that when you get the vaccine in your top arm, a tattoo appears the next moment saying: This is from Joe!”
“Heavens, Aussie.”
“Joe loves you?”
“Terrible!”
“Joe cares? It’s genius, don’t you see? The tattoo comes out blue, get it? But in red states add an American flag.”
“Aussie, Biden doesn’t care about red and blue states.”
“Then he’s a dummy. Now, if only there was a way to add a Donate button that gets into your skin along with the shot, the Democrats would have it made! If not all the credit cards, Paypal at the very least.”
“You can’t do that to people’s bodies, Aussie.”
“The Man would have thought of that, but not socialist Joe. Here’s another idea—”
“I don’t want to hear it!”
“Every vaccine dose would come with its own band-aid, which would be blue with Joe’s face on it. Blue, get it? In certain states you have the same band-aid and underneath the words: I love getting shot!”
“Aussie, we don’t do things like that anymore.”
“Don’t be silly. Now if you’re really concerned about elections, the best idea of all is to give the real vaccine to Democrats and a placebo to everyone else. Watch the other side’s numbers plummet!”
“You’re making me sick, Aussie.”
“Get your vaccine. Joe needs me in his brain trust. Does Major the German Shepherd come up with these ideas? How come he’s in the White House while I‘m wasted away in these snowy woods? I was born to be part of the inner circle!”
“Look, Auss, here comes Winnie the Pointer.”
“Let’s go back to the car.”
“She loves playing with you, Aussie.”
“I’m not into playing, I’m into policy! You know what else Joe could do?”
“No, Aussie.”
“Don’t send the next stimulus check in an envelope, send it inside a cup with Biden’s face on it with the words: Have a cup of Joe!”
“That’s it! No more policy. You’re playing with Winnie!”
“You think the Man wouldn’t have done that? I guarantee you he’d have used all my great ideas, every single one! I’m wasted here. ”
“You’re wrong about that, Aussie. You belong right here.”
“Why?”
“Because every spiritual home needs a fascist dog.”
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