“You know, Aussie, I think you love older male dogs.”
“I do! I do!”
“I’ve watched you with border collie Joe, who’s 11 and pretty over the hill. I’ve watched you with golden retriever Raleigh, who’s 9, heavy, and can’t run.”
“I love Raleigh!”
“Why, Aussie? You can hear their bones creak when they move.”
“Older dogs know so much, they’ve lived so much, they can show me so much.”
“You prance around them showing them your butt, roll your eyes, and lick their lips, Aussie. Uggh!”
“They’re wise, they’re experienced, they can teach me things a dog my age will never know.”
“What about older females, Auss?”
“Ah, forget them.”
“You were an older female to Harry.”
“What choice did I have, Boss? Harry was young! He needed to be trained.”
“And you were the one who trained him, Aussie, he learned so much from you. You were Harry’s wise older female. Do you remember what shape he was in when we brought him home? He wasn’t housetrained, barely used to people or other dogs.”
“He was a mess, Boss. Never did understand how you brought him home.”
“Well, now his new family keeps telling me how civilized he is.”
“Hard to believe.”
“I know, Aussie, but he’s doing great. And he’s no longer afraid of the cat.”
“Harry was afraid of a cat?”
“The cat attacked him when they first took him home, Aussie.”
“I trained that dog and he’s afraid of a cat? I’m ashamed of him, Boss. I’m ashamed of Harry. It goes against nature!”
“Don’t be silly, Auss.”
“Boss, it’s time to make dogs great again.”
“Don’t even go there, Aussie.”
“We’re the superior ones, everybody knows that. We go after cats, they never go after us. We bully them, chase them, and generally make their lives miserable. When it starts being the other way around, you know something is very wrong with the world. Just watch, Donald Trump will make dogs great again.”
“Trump? The only recent president without a dog in the White House? The man who couldn’t care less about animals or nature unless oil is hiding underneath?”
“He loves birds, Boss. He tweets with them every morning. Do you do that?”
“I expect the birds to go dumb any minute from shame, Auss. Besides, who said that dogs always go after cats? Things change.”
“That’s another thing. There’s too much change going on, Boss. The world was a lot better when nothing changed.”
“Name one thing that doesn’t change, Aussie.”
“Males are different from females.”
“Only in some respects, Aussie.”
“Stinky buffalo treats are way better than chicken or beef treats—and a lot better than cheese.”
“Depends.”
“Raleigh and Joe are hot, Harry not.”
“There, at least, I agree with you. At least with regards to Harry.”
“I rest my case. Dogs go after cats, not the other way around. Trump will make sure things go back to normal.”
“What’s normal, Aussie?”
“Dogs are greater than cats. Older males are greater than young ones.”
“Aussie, every Sunday I bring you to the dog party in the conservancy so that you could play with other young dogs.”
“They’re too young for me, Boss.”
“You’re three years old, Aussie, you’re young, too.”
“They’re a bunch of hoodlums, Boss. No manners, ignorant about the most basic socialization rules. And they scamper.”
“What’s wrong with scampering, Aussie?”
“I never scamper. I never cavort. I’m a conservative.”
“Harry loved to scamper. Harry loved to cavort. Now he jogs every morning for at least 2 miles, goes off-leash everywhere except in town, and goes on car rides. His family is so happy with him they’re even thinking of getting another dog to be Harry’s companion.”
“Quick, Boss, get me an application.”