HOW TO CURE TRAUMA AND ANXIETY

“Harry, what’s come over you? You’re peeing in the house.”

“Only on the rug under the dining room table, Boss.”

“But why, Harry? You were fully housebroken six months ago. You learned to use the dog door whenever you needed to, nothing ever stopped you. So why have you started to pee inside the house?”

“It’s my trauma, Boss.”

“What trauma?”

“When things come up from the past I can’t help it, I got to pee, so I run downstairs and pee on the rug.”

“What things, Harry?”

“I was found as a stray on the streets of Mississippi, remember? Somebody there didn’t want me anymore.”

“Maybe you just ran, Harry. I’ve seen you with food. You may have spotted a piece of discarded hot dog on the street and broken through the window to get to it.”

“They could have come back for me, Boss, but they didn’t. And what you do doesn’t help me, either. You yell at me.”

“That’s because I also found a few turds under the table, Harry.”

“Last time you threw something at me.”

“You mean the small sofa cushion? It couldn’t possibly have hurt you, Harry, not to mention that I missed.”

“That just re-traumatized me all over again. Boss, I need to feel safe.”

“Harry, I don’t think any such thing really exists. Regardless, you have no business peeing and pooping on the rug.”

“Oh yeah? So tell me this, Boss. How come when you wake up in the mornings you just lie there and stare at the ceiling? I’ve watched you do this every single day.”

“Because I get anxious and sad.”

“Why, Boss?”

“I don’t know. I’ve always been depressed and anxious first thing in the morning. After Bernie died it got a little worse.”

“Have you ever tried peeing on the rug? It helps me.”

“I’m not going to pee on the rug, Harry.”

“Would you prefer to poop? It’s hard to do if you don’t really have to, you know? I mean, you can pee when you don’t really have to, but you can’t—“

“Harry, I’m not going to poop under the dining room table on account of my anxiety, and I’m not peeing, either. I can just go to the bathroom if I need to.”

“You’ve been doing that all this time, Boss. Has it helped?”

“Peeing in the toilet has not helped my early morning anxiety, that’s true. I don’t think the two are connected, Harry.”

“Of course they’re connected, Boss! You get anxious first thing in the morning and you have to pee first thing in the morning. The only question is, where?”

“This is the most ridiculous conversation I’ve ever had with anyone, Harry.”

“Look, why don’t you pee under the dining room table? It’ll make you feel better.”

“I don’t think so, Harry.”

“And f you leave a pile under the dining room table it’ll make you feel lots better. I’ll leave you space, ok?”