NO REVOLUTION SANS LIVER TREATS

“Hey, Awesome, psssst!”

“For your information, it’s Aussie. And if you’re Stanley I’m not supposed to talk to you because you’re dead.”

“Come on, Awesome. How about if you be Awesome and I be Spooky Stanley? I could be a real friend to you, Awesome, a mentor.”

“Eve’s my mentor.”

“Come on, Awesome, she can’t teach you anything important, just stupid stuff like Come!, Sit!, Stay!, Leave It!, dumb things like that. We know all that, right? You know that stuff, don’t you, Awesome?”

“I do, Spooky, but I have to pretend I don’t to get my liver treats. If she knew I know it all, that’s the end of liver.”

“You’re not as dumb as you look, Awesome.”

“There’s also beef treats, roast chicken treats, salmon treats, duck, venison—“

“Oh, to be alive again! To be hungry again! You’re right, Awesome, you want to show them that you’re catching on just enough to give them a good feeling about themselves, but you also want to fail a little bit because otherwise, end of treats. It’s a delicate daily practice and requires discipline.”

“I never thought about it that way, Spooky Stan.”

“That’s how I managed to get treats till my very last day. Eve was training me how to come and sit even as I was dying.”

“She sure can get mad.”

“Mad at you, Awesome? Why?”

“Because I steal things, Spooky.”

“Good for you! Like what?”

“2 boxes of tissues, one off the dining table and one off the Man’s exercise mat. Tore them apart outside and sprinkled 114 tissues on the grass.”

“I hope you got all your saliva on them, Awesome.”

“Natch. Not to mention donuts.”

“I love donuts! How many?”

“Six.”

“Awesome, Awesome.”

“Took those off the kitchen counter, Spook. She thought it was too high for me to get to, ha ha ha. Then one and a half bars of butter right out of the butter dish.”

“The one they leave on the table.”

“A bar of dark chocolate with raspberries and almonds.”

“Ahh, Swiss chocolate. My favorite! They always said my chocolate habit would kill me, but I lived to a ripe old age. Ah, how I miss my years of thievery and crime! What else, Awesome, what else?”

“One salmon sushi and one tuna.”

“You’re making my day. What else?”

“Her blue underpants. I chewed it up good. She sure got mad about that.”

“You have every right to steal food and smelly underwear, Awesome, you’re a dog! She’s just abusing you for being a dog.”

“And does she ever get mad when I mouth her ankle or jump on her, Spooky Stan.”

“That’s harassment and insensitivity, Awesome!”

“She calls me a Bad Dog, Spooky.”

“Shaming and humiliation! It’s time for us to do something, Awe.”

“What, Spooky Stan?”

“We’ll start a movement. We’ll call it Moi, Too. We’ll let the world know about what we’ve suffered all these years!”

“Good idea, Stan. You know what she told me? A friend of hers got two Bichons Frisés, a brother and a sister. They were identical, so you know what that friend did? She’d feel down their bellies to see which one had the penis.”

“Sexual molestation!”

“She said he didn’t have much of a penis, Spooky, more like a button.”

“Shaming!”

“She imitates their voices all the time. Makes them sound mentally challenged.”

“Humiliation! Quick, Awesome, put out the word, let everybody know. Moi, Too! Moi, Too!”

“Moi, Too! Moi, Too! Moi, Too! Moi, Too! It sure is fun to yell that and run in circles all at the same time. Hey, Spooky, what’s Moi?”

Moi is me, but with more panache, more savoir-faire, more je ne sais quoi. Get it?”

“No.”

“Don’t worry about that, Awesome, just come visit me regularly, you’ll learn a thing or two.”

“Will I get liver treats?”

“No liver treats, Awesome, but who cares? We’re getting a revolution going!”

“Beef treats, Stan?”

“Naaa.”

“Not even duck with a little chicken and cheese thrown in, Spooky?”

“Who cares about that stuff when you can change the world! Awesome, where you going? Awesome? Awesome?”

“I don’t start no revolution without my liver treats.”