STINKY ACTION

“So, Tootsie, how was Thanksgiving?”

“Ah, there you are, Rocky. I thought you might start talking to me one of these days, especially after I put away the dog-shit scooper.”

“You thought of me because of the dog-shit scooper?”

“That was the only housework you liked to do, Rocky, cleaning up the dog shit in the back with the scooper.”

“And always with a cigar, Tootsie. I’d pick up a turd or two, toss it over the fence, get a couple of puffs in, find another turd, toss it over the fence. It was hard work. So what else reminds you of me, Toots? Peacemaking work? Retreats? Social action?”

“Rae said that she thought of you today while doing her eyebrows, Rocky.”

“Is that so?”

“I asked my brother what, of all your things in the house, he wanted, and you know what he said, Rocky?”

“Soen Nakagawa’s calligraphy? The Kwan-Yin Roshi gave me? My piggy suspenders?”

“He said he wanted your handicapped parking ticket.”

“But what about Thanksgiving, Tootsie? Did you make anything to remember me by?”

“Of course I did, Rocky. Turkey, potatoes—”

“I always loved mashed potatoes in Thanksgiving, Toots—”

“And cranberry sauce.”

“Cranberry sauce? I hated cranberry sauce!”

“That’s why I made it, Rocky. I figured somebody was bound to say, ‘Remember how Bernie hated cranberry sauce?’, and we’d think of you all over again.”

“You made something I hated in order to remember me by, Tootsie?”

“It’s the ODness in me, Rocky.”

“Ahh, Toots, I always knew you had potential. What else?”

“Your grandson and I saw Captain Underpants. JD, too.”

“Who’s JD?”

“Aussie is now officially the Juvenile Delinquent, Rocky. She’s broken through the fence at least a dozen times and gone exploring in the woods.”

“A good thing to do in hunting season, Tootsie. And what’s Captain Underpants?”

“Well, Rocky, Captain Underpants is a movie about two boys who change their evil principal, Mr. Krupp, into a superhero wearing underpants. Mr. Krupp thinks only of how he could make school the worst experience for children ever, but all it takes is one snap of the fingers and he becomes a fat, pink man wearing only a pair of white underpants, and he fights baddies like Droopy Drawers, called that because her drawers always fall down to her shoes, or Professor Poopypants, called that because—“

“Yes, I think I get that one. But you know, Tootsie, I never liked animated movies. We always argued about that, remember?”

“But there are a lot of jokes and puns on farts, piss, shit, and other such toilet-related items, You’d have loved it, Rocky. In fact, there was a moment there when I had your grandson stretched on top of me and JD, forgetting her JD nature, had her head on my knee, and I got weepy thinking of how you’d have loved to have been there.”

“You’re a sweet girl, Toots.”

“But then the gigantic toilet that Professor Poopypants used as a vehicle emitted a green gas that almost destroyed the world!”

“What a gas, Tootsie. You’re right, it might be just my kind of movie.”

“Any chance you could see Captain Underpants where you are, Rocky?”

“Don’t think so, Toots, but maybe we should consider changing the Third Tenet from Loving Action to Stinky Action.”

“Oh, Rocky, I miss you!”