OH, HUSH!

Digging up a marrow bone

What’s a hush agreement? asks Stanley

A hush agreement,  Stan, is when someone pays you to hush, to be quiet.

So you must get a lot of money because you’re quiet a lot, says Stanley. You’re quiet all night, you’re quiet right after you get up, and then you’re quiet at your desk.

That’s because I’m a meditator and a writer. That’s a lot of quiet, Stanley

Well, all that quiet is finally paying off. I never understood what it was good for, I love a little more hoopla myself, but now you could finally get paid for that quiet. The way you go, you’ll become a billionaire!

That’s true, Stanley, but nobody’s paying me any hush money.

Why not?

Because I don’t have any secrets to tell. You see, they don’t pay you to be quiet, they pay you to not tell a secret.

I have a secret, says Stanley. I know where I buried that marrow bone you gave me after Rae made that vegetable soup. Nobody else knows it’s buried behind the big rock under the green birdfeeder. How much will they pay me if I agree not to tell anybody?

You buried the bone? Instead of enjoying it you dragged it out and buried it before a snow storm? What a smart dog you are, Stan.

So what do I get for not telling you any of that?

Nothing, Stan. Nobody cares about the whereabouts of a marrow bone, they care about important things, like whether the President of the United States had sex with a porn star or not.

They care about that and they don’t care about the whereabouts of a marrow bone?

That’s right, Stan.

You are a dumb species.

Not as dumb as dogs that get juicy marrow bones and bury them right before a 10-inch snowfall. Stanley.

I have contacts in the animal world, see, and every single one of them agree: there’s no dumber species than humans.

Oh yeah?

Yeah. And I’m not arguing with you anymore. No money to find a marrow bone! Humans are just too dumb to argue with.